The holiday season once brimmed with innocence and simplicity for me. As a child, I delighted in caroling, enjoying lasagna adorned with countless tiny meatballs, and eagerly awaiting Santa’s arrival. My children now create their own joyful memories, yet their experiences lack the presence of my mother, a figure who has long been absent from my life.
It has been three years since I severed ties with my mother—an extremely difficult decision rooted in complex yet clear reasons. Ultimately, my mother lacks the capacity for nurturing, and my life has flourished in her absence. Despite not regretting my choice, the pangs of grief are particularly acute during the holiday season, a time when the absence of a mother is felt most intensely.
However, through trial and error, I’ve discovered that the holidays need not be a source of torment. It’s possible to adjust expectations and refocus on the joy that exists in the present. Here are five strategies I employ to survive the holiday season and beyond:
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Establish New Bonds
For years, I subconsciously sought mother figures in various relationships, from friendships to romantic partners. While the longing for maternal connection is natural, it’s important to recognize that a healthy relationship with my mother will never materialize. Instead of seeking replacements, I’ve found that fostering a nurturing relationship with a trusted therapist can provide the emotional support I need. Therapy offers an unconditional environment that helps heal the wounds left by maternal absence. -
Nurture Yourself
If you’ve also yearned for maternal care, you might find yourself neglecting your own needs. It’s crucial to acknowledge that desire and learn to care for yourself. This practice may sound unconventional, but allowing yourself to love and nurture your own spirit can be transformative. Embrace your own instincts rather than adhering to the teachings of a mother who may have fallen short. Each of us is capable of cultivating self-love, and doing so enriches our lives. -
Release Guilt
Estrangement from a parent often carries a heavy burden of guilt. Despite my conviction that distancing myself was necessary, I grappled with feelings of inadequacy, questioning why my own mother couldn’t love me. Each story of estrangement is unique, yet we share a common thread of justified reasons for our decisions. It’s essential to recognize that we owe no one an explanation for prioritizing our own well-being over toxic relationships. -
Minimize External Pressures
During the holidays, the pressure from societal expectations and imagery of happy families can be overwhelming. Social media, feel-good movies, and festive commercials often amplify feelings of loss. It’s vital to give yourself permission to disconnect from these sources of stress. Focus on nurturing your mental health and surround yourself with supportive friends who understand your journey. -
Grieve the Idealized Mother
In moments of sadness, I often reach out to a supportive friend who reminds me that my mother cannot fulfill the role I wished she could. When I feel overwhelmed by grief, it is not my mother I mourn, but the idealized version of her. It’s essential to acknowledge and process these feelings without reopening old wounds. The mother you long for—one who meets your emotional needs—simply does not exist, and accepting this truth can aid in healing.
In conclusion, the holidays can be navigated with intention and self-compassion, even in the absence of a maternal figure. Embracing new relationships, nurturing oneself, releasing guilt, tuning out societal pressures, and mourning the idealized mother are critical steps in finding peace during this challenging season.
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