Updated: Aug. 6, 2018
Originally Published: Dec. 1, 2015
Only women would willingly take on this much chaos.
To start, let me acknowledge my privileges so you don’t have to: I am a white woman with a college degree. I’m married and reside in a picturesque mountain town. My career is fulfilling. I count myself fortunate.
However, here’s the reality of what “having it all” looks like, based on my experiences:
Recently, I strolled down the street to collect my mail, feeling quite proud of myself. I have a 3½-year-old and a newborn who is just a month old. In that time, I have worked almost nonstop, and it has paid off: I’ve generated enough income to cover all my family’s expenses and support my husband’s business. I’ve produced work that I’m proud of, and not once have I mentioned to anyone that I just had a baby.
Just when I was patting myself on the back for my “successes,” I experienced an unfortunate incident—let’s just say I had a little leak. I was wearing light-gray sweatpants, so it was noticeable. Quite embarrassing when my neighbor waved as they walked by. By the time I returned home, I had to join a conference call, which meant sitting in those damp pants for a while.
Fortunately, the baby remained sleeping and quiet during the call, but as soon as it ended, I was met with a screaming infant demanding to be fed. So, I endured another half-hour in those wet pants. After burping the baby, I got some spit-up in my hair but didn’t have time to fix it, so I just pinned it back. A quick change into dry pants and I was ready to tackle more work. Bring it on, world—I’m a resilient woman, and I can handle it all!
At 5 PM, my older child dashed into the room asking about the brownies I promised earlier. Of course, I hadn’t made them. Then my husband inquired about dinner plans. I tossed the baby into a sling, headed downstairs, and sorted out dinner and brownies.
“Oh no.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I think I popped a stitch.”
“What? What does that mean? Is that serious?”
“Well, it definitely feels off down there, and yes, it’s probably not good, but realistically what can I do about it?”
Back upstairs. Finally, a shower. The pain from my recovery is definitely noticeable. (At my postpartum checkup, my doctor remarked, “The stitches are nearly dissolved, but your wound is still healing.” Gross.) Then it was back to bed, ice pack in place, baby nursing, laptop resting on my lap.
I haven’t left this room in a month, apart from quick trips to the kitchen for food. I took exactly one day off to give birth. Let that sink in for a moment. Lucky for me, my room has an attached bathroom.
Here’s the pile of laundry I’m eyeing. (And yes, my feet are gross—those toenails haven’t been painted in at least two months.) That’s a bag of dirty diapers just two feet away from me, right next to the towering stack of laundry. It really stinks in here.
I’m not a single mother. In fact, my husband actively contributes more than many fathers do. I’m not stuck in minimum wage jobs. The only genuine disadvantage I face is being a working mother in the United States.
Here’s my take: The concept of “having it all” has been fundamentally misunderstood in our society. The whole point of the feminist movement in the ‘60s was to give women choices.
- Want to have sex without the risk of pregnancy? Go for it.
- Facing an unwanted pregnancy or a difficult circumstance? You can choose not to carry the baby.
- Want to pursue a career? Absolutely.
- Prefer to stay at home and raise kids? That’s fantastic.
- Want to do both? Awesome.
However, the idea of doing all of this simultaneously has never been the goal. By that definition, single working mothers have been “having it all” for years, yet society doesn’t hold them up as a standard. Instead, it’s just a harsh reality for those who struggle financially. And this is the case for most women, except perhaps those who are extremely wealthy.
No one ever said, “Wouldn’t it be great to wake up at 5 AM, prepare breakfast for everyone, get dressed in heels, drop the kids off at daycare, work for ten hours, pick them up, cook dinner, clean up, and then work in bed until midnight—all on just five hours of sleep?”
It’s as if we collectively decided to change women’s narratives without altering the underlying systems, expecting gratitude for the mere allowance of casual sex and careers while ignoring the immense pressure we place on women to achieve an increasingly unattainable ideal.
The prevailing message to women today is that not only can you have a career and children, but you should—because if you don’t, you’re either lazy, weak, or not a “real” woman. Yet, this all comes without any support. There’s no government-funded maternity leave (heaven forbid we be called socialists), minimal childcare support (because then you’re a bad mom), and the expectation is to perform well at work (or be labeled a poor employee).
We celebrate companies for offering egg freezing benefits, yet fail to advocate for maternity leave that allows women to have children without jeopardizing their careers. Instead, we tell women to lean in, as if the burden of balancing it all is their fault. I’m leaning in so hard that I’m about to faceplant.
I recognize that fathers are parents too and that paternity leave is crucial. However, the physical realities of recovering from childbirth and caring for a newborn (especially if breastfeeding) are often ignored in this country. It’s okay to acknowledge that women may require more recovery time than men.
For clarity, this isn’t an attack on men. It’s a call to society to improve. I’ve frequently encountered women who have overlooked me for opportunities because of my pregnancy or who have criticized my absence from evening meetings due to my kids.
In fact, I’ve faced more backlash from other women regarding my parenting choices than I have from men. Gender biases manifest differently; men typically face assumptions about their competence, while women contend with scrutiny over their reproductive choices.
I don’t believe the world owes me an easy life or that I should be free of trade-offs or challenges. However, we need to abandon the fairy tales. Let’s stop telling women they can achieve everything without sacrificing anything. The reality is this: if you want a career and a family, you absolutely can pursue both, but both will suffer. You will constantly feel torn, never quite measuring up in either realm. Time off will be a luxury, and you’ll always find yourself choosing between competing responsibilities, often neglecting your own needs. The judgment will be relentless, and you may never meet others’ expectations.
For a genuine shift in how we view women’s roles, we must also change societal norms. We need to normalize the choice for women to opt out of motherhood. While we pretend this choice is accepted today, childless friends still face incessant questions about their reproductive decisions, and the discourse around choosing not to have children is still rife with defense.
Then there are the women grappling with fertility issues who feel their options have been stripped away, yet they still have to field questions about when they’ll start a family. Let’s stop the intrusive inquiries into women’s reproductive choices; if they want to share, they will.
We also need to create an environment where women can confidently opt out of work without facing judgment, where it’s genuinely acceptable to take time off without being viewed as wasting potential. Imagine being able to have friends over for drinks while your kids are entertained in the backyard without guilt. Because let’s be honest—spending all day with a small child can be utterly exhausting, and everyone deserves a break.
At the same time, let’s ensure it’s truly okay for women to choose to work too. Not in the current way where they’re expected to pretend they haven’t just given birth and take on all parenting duties without skipping a beat. Rather, let’s create a space where pregnancy is acknowledged without panic and where ambition is encouraged.
Imagine a world where you don’t have to freeze your eggs and wait until you’re 45 to have children unless that’s truly your choice—because otherwise, your career could be derailed at a young age. Picture not feeling pressured to rush your newborn into daycare only to regret it later.
We need to provide support for all women, regardless of their race or income level. The VP at a tech firm deserves the same maternity leave, job security, and childcare as the waitress at a diner. This is the cost of expecting mothers to work—because for many, working is not a choice but a necessity.
I’m not advocating for special treatment or suggesting we romanticize motherhood as the most challenging job in the world. I’m merely proposing we allow women to disclose their pregnancies without fear of career repercussions or to recover from childbirth without the anxiety of losing their jobs.
Let’s redefine the concept of “having it all,” or better yet, let each woman determine her own version of a fulfilling life. Reflecting on the first month of my child’s life and feeling pride in my ability to conceal that I had a baby is frankly sad.
Summary
The notion of “having it all” for women often leads to exhaustion and societal pressure. Many women face unrealistic expectations, balancing careers and motherhood without sufficient support or understanding from society. The call to action is clear: we must redefine what it means to “have it all” and create a supportive environment where women can choose motherhood, work, or both without guilt or judgment.
Keyphrase: “Having it all for women”
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