Navigating life as a divorced parent has been a journey for me over the past 10 months. I choose not to count the year of separation prior, as I held onto the hope of reconciliation. While ten months may seem brief, it has been sufficient time to process my emotions and confront the realities of my situation.
Here’s the truth: I feel broken.
It’s crucial to clarify that this feeling of brokenness doesn’t stem from lingering love or a longing for companionship. Yes, my heart endured significant pain throughout this process, and I fought for our marriage long after I should have, propelled by love even when it became apparent that reconciliation was unlikely. My heart has begun to heal from the initial shock of betrayal, but the voids created by my new reality as a divorced mother continue to weigh heavily on me.
My daughter, Emma, is six years old. She now navigates two households, each with distinct parenting styles and lifestyles. The differences between these two homes require her to adapt continuously. Emma remembers the time when our family was whole—when there was one house filled with the love of two parents. She recalls seeking comfort from both her mother and father, and she vividly remembers the safety that came from sharing a home as a family unit. The void left by this separation is profound, and it brings me the most heartache.
I recognize that divorced families have become more common in recent decades, but this doesn’t lessen the impact on children. Emma may not display behavioral issues or severe emotional distress, yet she feels the pain of our situation. She often expresses concern about her father’s feelings, especially when she prefers to be with me on his nights. She continues to ask if her dad will ever return to live with us, and each time she does, it cuts deep. This reality is shaping her into the adult she will become, and it’s not the path I envisioned for her.
I never anticipated going through parenthood alone. While we do co-parent and sometimes do so effectively, it is not the family life I envisioned. The absence of a partner leaves a significant gap in my life. I didn’t marry and start a family to end up shuttling my child between two homes. It’s not merely about the physical absence; it’s the emotional void—like staring at an empty chair during dinner or feeling the absence beside me on the couch as I settle in for the night. The loneliness intensifies when I face the reality of managing decisions alone, without someone to share the burden or comfort me during tough nights with a sick child.
I often find myself grappling with jealousy when I observe complete families in public places or see friends celebrating milestones. The bitterness that arises in these moments is hard to suppress. Additionally, the emptiness I feel when Emma is with her father—those nights away from her—creates a deep sense of hollowness. Passing her vacant room at night serves as a painful reminder of her absence.
While I do cherish moments of solitude, they are not the reprieve I sought. Instead of enjoying a break from parenting, I find myself consumed with worry—wondering if she is eating well, feeling okay, completing her homework, or simply happy. This is not the kind of break I ever desired.
Some people have remarked on my “luck” regarding how involved her father is. I disagree with this perspective. It is not fortunate that the man I chose to marry and have a child with decided he no longer wanted to be my husband or, at times, a father. While I appreciate that he engages with her to some degree, it falls far short of what I desired for us as a co-parenting team. I would prefer a fully committed partnership in parenting, but that’s not my reality; I must settle for what he can offer.
This sense of brokenness can feel isolating, and I’ve allowed it to overshadow moments of joy. I spent many nights grieving what I lost, reflecting on the chaos of the divorce process. As the dust has settled, I see the remnants of what once was—an unmanageable mess.
What I’ve come to understand is that some things may never be whole again. Instead of attempting to reassemble the shattered pieces, I must focus on creating something new from the chaos. I’m beginning to accept that my new normal involves embracing independence and resilience. Living with a degree of brokenness is a part of my journey, and that’s okay.
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In summary, navigating divorce as a parent is an ongoing journey filled with challenges, heartache, and moments of personal growth. Acknowledging the brokenness while striving to create a fulfilling life is essential.
Keyphrase: The impact of divorce on parenting
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