When a woman’s pregnancy becomes noticeable, she often finds herself the center of unsolicited opinions, inquiries, and advice from those around her. From phrases like, “Make sure you rest now, because sleep will be a luxury,” to questions about the baby’s gender and comments about her belly size, a pregnant woman can expect a flood of remarks from well-meaning strangers. While some of these interactions may be innocuous, others can be profoundly distressing.
Initially, I participated in this social norm without a second thought. However, my perspective shifted dramatically during my second pregnancy when, at the 20-week mark, I learned that my baby girl, whom we named Lily, was unlikely to survive due to a severe heart defect. The prognosis was grim, and I faced a long wait filled with uncertainty about her future. While my friends and family were supportive and sensitive to my situation, my growing belly did not disclose the heartache I was carrying.
I continued to receive the usual barrage of comments and questions from strangers. “You must be thrilled!” a woman at the grocery store exclaimed. In truth, “thrilled” was far from how I felt. Words like “devastated,” “anxious,” and “heartbroken” would have better expressed my reality. One particularly painful question came from a fellow expectant mother at a playgroup: “Have you prepared the nursery? What stroller did you choose?” All I could think was, “Do you not see my belly? It’s large because of the extra amniotic fluid surrounding Lily.”
Faced with these inquiries, I had two choices: confront the situation with honesty or disguise my true feelings. I chose the latter after one uncomfortable encounter, where sharing my reality with a stranger led to an awkward exchange that left both of us feeling uneasy. So, I opted to feign enthusiasm about my pregnancy. It was disheartening, but navigating people’s expectations felt easier than revealing my truth.
After Lily’s early arrival and my subsequent loss, my body took an extended period to recover. In fact, my stomach never returned to its pre-pregnancy size. Despite being encouraged to exercise, grief consumed me, and I sought comfort in food and wine instead. As a result, I still appeared pregnant for months afterward.
When I ventured out with my toddler, people naturally assumed I was expecting again. Questions like “When is your due date?” became commonplace. On several occasions, I responded candidly, stating, “I’m not pregnant,” which led to embarrassment for both parties.
Ultimately, I returned to my previous coping mechanism: pretending to be excited about a pregnancy that had brought me nothing but sorrow. This charade felt unfair, especially after losing my baby. However, it was the simplest way to handle the continuous inquiries. I longed to share my feelings about Lily with loved ones, not random acquaintances.
Eventually, I decided to withdraw from social situations altogether. I focused on dieting and working to lose my post-caesarean belly, despite the emotional turmoil it caused me. I realized that if I wanted to avoid questions about my nonexistent pregnancy, I had to take action.
Every pregnancy carries its own narrative, and while many are joyful, some can be fraught with challenges. My experiences taught me that assumptions about someone’s situation can be painful. I no longer harbor resentment toward those who made comments during my pregnancy; societal norms dictate that discussing pregnancies is acceptable. However, it’s time for a reevaluation of these norms. Just as I would never ask a childless couple about their family plans, I will refrain from commenting on any pregnant woman’s belly in the future.
So, if we cross paths at a café or a playgroup and you are sporting a lovely bump, don’t be surprised if I remain silent. It might seem rude, but I’m simply being cautious, wanting to ensure I don’t unintentionally hurt you. Your pregnancy story is yours to share, and unless you choose to disclose it, it remains private.
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Summary
This article discusses the author’s transformative experience regarding societal norms surrounding pregnant women. After facing a heartbreaking diagnosis during her pregnancy, she reflects on the painful impact of unsolicited inquiries and comments from strangers. Ultimately, she resolves to avoid making similar assumptions about others in the future.
Keyphrase: Why I Stopped Asking Women About Their Pregnancies
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