Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: November 18, 2015
“Mom, you know what drives me crazy?”
“What’s that?”
“Whenever I know the answer, the teacher never picks me. But when I’m unsure, that’s when I get called on.”
“I totally understand, sweetie. That can be really frustrating.”
“What makes it worse is that she only gives the easy questions to the bright kids.”
The phrase “bright kids” lingered in the air like a heavy weight, echoing within my 6-year-old’s room. I found myself pausing, folding a small shirt, while my mind raced through potential responses.
My initial reaction was to champion the idea that there are no “bright kids,” instead sharing the growth mindset philosophy now emphasized at her school—that intelligence stems from effort. Yet, her words reverberated in my mind, and I struggled to articulate my thoughts.
As my partner and I discussed the situation later that evening, I expressed concern over her ability to articulate the concept of “bright kids.” Where had she encountered this notion? How had she, after just a month in first grade, already categorized her peers? More troubling was the realization that she was beginning to see herself outside of that group.
The real challenge lay not in her use of the phrase but in the fact that it was one I had heard throughout my own upbringing. I had likely uttered it during my college years and beyond. Although I no longer verbalized it, I observed adults continuously evaluating their intelligence in daily life.
How do I stack up against my colleagues? Will I appear foolish at this dinner with higher-ups? I feel inadequate compared to that colleague’s writing skills. Oh no, my supervisor just saw me in my old concert tee; will I ever be taken seriously again?
Reflecting on my own use of the term, at 16, I enjoyed hanging out with the bright kids because they made me laugh. At 23, I wanted them in my study group to motivate me to perform better. Across the years, I have always been drawn to those I deemed “bright.” These observations were true yet never diminished my own sense of intelligence.
So, why the discomfort? Is it the complexity of navigating perceptions versus the innocence we wish to protect? I know that after sharing this, someone will inevitably ask, “Who did she mean? Was it so-and-so?” Denying that such assessments occur at any age would be disingenuous.
While it feels uneasy to let those words linger, it would be far worse to invalidate her observations. Dismissing her perspective would undermine her social understanding and discourage her from sharing her thoughts with me.
Thus, I choose to embrace the moment. I will emphasize that her best outcomes arise from her best efforts. I will encourage her to recognize that “bright” is merely one of many positive traits among her peers. However, I refuse to tell her that her perceptions are incorrect or that she should silence her thoughts.
Perhaps this approach isn’t perfect, but it represents my best effort, and that’s sufficient.
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Summary:
Navigating the concept of intelligence and perceptions of being a “bright kid” is a challenge for parents as children begin school. While it’s tempting to dismiss such labels, recognizing a child’s observations can be crucial. Encouraging their efforts and fostering open communication is essential for their social development.
Keyphrase: bright children
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