Several years ago, I found myself in a state of profound despair. After enduring numerous challenges, nothing could prepare me for the darkness that enveloped me when my then 5-year-old daughter, Emily, was diagnosed with PCDH19, a severe and rare type of epilepsy that carries no cure and can be life-threatening. As I grappled with the implications of this diagnosis for Emily and our family, I sought help from a counselor. During my third session, he suggested that I consider “re-adopting her out.” His rationale was that much of my stress stemmed from Emily’s issues, and relinquishing her to another family would alleviate my burden. I never returned to that therapist.
This suggestion referred to a troubling practice known as rehoming, where some parents choose to abandon their adopted children when faced with overwhelming psychological challenges stemming from past traumas or unmet needs. Disturbingly, rehoming often occurs without any oversight, leading to severe consequences for the children involved.
While I recognize his suggestion may have come from a place of concern, I found it deeply offensive as a mother. To imply that I should abandon one of my children to relieve my own suffering is an affront to my commitment as a parent. Some people fail to comprehend that family bonds are eternal, regardless of biological connections. In my heart, there is no distinction between my biological child and my adopted ones.
Before Emily came into my life, I often visited our vacant nursery, praying for my future daughter. I filled her space with stories of my feminist heroes, envisioning the strong woman I hoped she would become. I was her mother long before we ever met.
When Emily arrived, she carried deep emotional scars. Her behavior was challenging; she would often scream, lash out, and express her frustration in ways that left me feeling helpless. I vividly recall the first therapy session, where, instead of engaging, she simply flipped off her counselor. Though she tested my limits, she was still my child.
As her seizures began, I experienced a terror unique to a mother witnessing her child’s fragile existence. Countless nights were spent at her hospital bedside, praying for her recovery. I didn’t stay because I had to; I was there because I believed that a mother’s presence is crucial during such trying times. When our caseworker suggested we consider stepping away from the adoption, it was a moment that could have allowed us to walk away. However, after a year and a half of being the only mother Emily had known, my husband and I committed to adopting her, along with her younger brother, without any certainty about what lay ahead.
The counselor’s oversight lay in misunderstanding that for our family, adoption signifies an unconditional commitment. While adopted children can present significant challenges, we believe that families should be supported, not dismantled. When rehoming is seen as a viable option, it creates a culture where children may be shuffled between homes rather than receiving the essential services they require. This perspective can lead to disastrous outcomes, as some professionals may inadvertently treat adoption like a temporary arrangement rather than a lifelong commitment.
Several months post-adoption, we received Emily’s genetic test results, confirming her diagnosis. Even amidst the chaos and uncertainty, someone asked if I regretted adopting her. My response was a resolute no. Regardless of the hurdles we face, she remains my daughter.
Each morning, as I wake Emily, I pause at her door, silently praying for her well-being, hoping the seizures haven’t taken hold while I slept. This fear is a constant presence in my life, but I refuse to consider relinquishing my child simply because it’s difficult. Though the future remains uncertain, I am committed to walking this path with her.
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Summary
The journey of adopting a child can bring immense challenges, particularly when faced with medical issues like severe epilepsy. Rather than considering rehoming, the commitment to family remains paramount. The bond of motherhood transcends biological ties, and support systems must be in place for families facing difficulties.
Keyphrase: rehoming adopted children
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