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Parenting
By Sarah Thompson
Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: November 8, 2015
It’s in the way she calls my name and the expression she wears as she steps into the room. My daughter is seeking a conversation about an issue that I feel utterly helpless to resolve.
Before becoming a parent, I devised a plan aimed at ensuring my children felt cherished while also establishing boundaries to show them that someone genuinely cares. I envisioned nurturing their bodies and minds while allowing room for carefree fun. We would indulge in plenty of vegetables and only a few treats.
As the antagonists in various cartoons often lamented, “My scheme would have succeeded if not for those pesky kids!” For a remarkable 15 years, my parenting approach worked flawlessly, and for that, I remain immensely thankful. I will be expressing my gratitude for that during this year’s Thanksgiving.
Society often portrays teenagers as viewing their parents as relics, with outdated ideas. However, my eldest daughter actually regards me as a wellspring of wisdom.
The challenge lies in her issues. As a mother with a more practical disposition, I struggle with the emotional complexities of her girly dilemmas. Her challenges mirror the ones I faced at her age, but I didn’t navigate them successfully. When I reflect on my past, I realize that external circumstances played a significant role in overcoming those hurdles. Even with hindsight, I suspect I would still find these issues daunting, regardless of the insights I carry. Thus, my advice often boils down to simply enduring the storm.
I recognize that this isn’t ideal. Yet, children learn more from our actions than our words. How can I instill confidence in her when I feel the opposite? What can I say about friendships when my own experiences have left me feeling betrayed at times?
When she was younger, her tears stemmed from clear and solvable issues. Now, they arise from amorphous feelings and relationships, and I find myself ill-equipped to handle the emotional turmoil. I tend to shy away from drama—unless it’s a movie starring my favorite actors. While I strive to be the nurturing mother who offers comfort, my instincts lean more toward a pragmatic “that’s life” approach.
So, what does this mean for us?
It leaves me torn. I would relish the opportunity to guide her through her career aspirations or help with studying techniques, such as mnemonic devices. However, I hesitate when it comes to the more delicate topics of friendships and romance. The inner voice of the ideal mother I’ve always envisioned chastises me, “Shame!” Meanwhile, another part cautions, “You might do more harm than good by offering advice.”
Conventional wisdom suggests I should refrain from giving advice and instead provide support while she finds her own path. However, I’ve found this approach challenging. My daughter seeks answers, and she will persist until I provide them—or until I reach a breaking point. I can feel the tension rising, and despite my warnings, she often intensifies her emotional outpouring. She desires a solution, even if it means pulling one out of thin air. This leads to frustration, tears, and guilt as I struggle to maintain my composure.
Why can’t she see the reality? I genuinely want to assist her, but I am limited. Some individuals prioritize practicality over emotional intricacies; that’s simply who I am.
I know I would be deeply concerned if she stopped approaching me with her dilemmas. I would question whether she no longer needed me, if she had encountered serious issues, or, worst of all, if she harbored resentment toward me. This is why my wish for her to stop seeking my counsel must remain just a fantasy.
Ultimately, a parent who does not at least attempt to engage is no better than one who neglects to set boundaries for fear of not being liked.
In the meantime, I will continue encouraging her to navigate her own journey through trial and error while attempting to keep my opinions on sensitive topics to myself, despite her persistent inquiries.
I believe I now understand why grandmothers relish their time with grandchildren. If that moment arises when all it takes to mend a hurt is a hug or a kiss, I will cherish it fully, perhaps even with a cookie.
This article was originally published on November 8, 2015.
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Summary
Navigating the challenges of parenting a teenage daughter can be daunting, especially when emotional issues arise that seem beyond one’s control. The author reflects on her struggles to provide guidance while grappling with her own limitations and the complex nature of adolescence. Ultimately, she emphasizes the importance of being present for her daughter, encouraging her to find her own solutions while managing her own expectations as a parent.
Keyphrase: Support for Teenage Daughters
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