Parenting Insights
At my 32-week prenatal visit, everything seemed routine. Strong heartbeat? Check. Growth on schedule? Check. Weight gain? Double-check.
“Only eight weeks left!” my midwife announced with a bright smile.
“Ugh, I wish you’d tell me there was a mistake and that my baby is coming tomorrow. I’m so done with this!”
She chuckled, “I’m afraid that’s not the case. This is the final stretch. Just hang in there and try to enjoy it.”
As I wiped off the sticky gel from my belly, I felt enormous, uncomfortable, and emotionally drained. Enjoy this time? I had loathed every moment of my pregnancy, and the thought of enduring another two months was unbearable. I wanted to cry just thinking about it.
Five days later, my water broke. After eight days of bed rest in the hospital, I welcomed a tiny premature baby into the world.
Motherhood hit me like a tidal wave, bringing a mix of emotions that I had anticipated: joy, frustration, fear, compassion, anxiety, empathy, and love. I embraced these feelings, often all at once, and though overwhelming, I recognized them as normal—hormonal, even. I fought to remain afloat for my baby.
Yet, the one emotion that consistently knocked me down was the one I hadn’t expected: guilt.
From the moment my 34-week-old baby entered the world, I was engulfed by a profound guilt. It felt as if my body had grown weary of my complaints throughout my pregnancy and decided to end it prematurely. I believed my selfish thoughts had somehow caused my child’s early arrival. I understand that this sounds irrational, and my doctors reassured me that my water breaking was simply an unfortunate event beyond my control. Yet, guilt lingered. Oh, the guilt. It occupied my mind almost as much as my longing for uninterrupted sleep.
I felt guilty when they informed us our baby would be admitted to the NICU. I felt guilt every time I visited him there. I felt even more guilt when I wasn’t present, busy either pumping or preparing our home for his arrival—especially since we hadn’t even had our baby shower yet. I felt guilt that he had to come home on a breathing monitor due to concerns about his lung development. I felt guilty because he was too small to latch.
I felt guilt about everything.
Now, my son is five months old, thriving and perfect in every way, according to both my perspective and that of medical professionals. However, the guilt persists daily. Each time I attempt to forgive myself for a perceived parenting failure, whether significant (like having a premature baby) or minor (like neglecting bedtime stories), something new ignites the guilt.
Here’s a glimpse of the trivial things I’ve felt guilty about today alone, and it’s only 3 p.m.:
- I didn’t kiss my partner goodbye this morning, and I can’t recall if I even kissed him goodnight last night. Guilt multiplied.
- I didn’t take my dog for a long enough walk during lunch.
- I dropped the baby off at the sitter still in his pajamas.
- I dropped him off at the sitter’s—period. I struggle with guilt about returning to work, thinking I had come to terms with it, but I was wrong.
- I’ve been working from home, yet I’ve accomplished more household chores than actual work tasks.
- I haven’t cleaned enough around the house.
- I purchased a custom baby book from Etsy for $60 but haven’t completed a single page.
- I haven’t switched out my seasonal wardrobe because of sheer laziness.
- I stopped pumping.
- I can’t afford trendy plaid shirts for my little one as seen on Pinterest, so he’s stuck in hand-me-down sweatpants.
- I bought myself coffee from a fancy café instead of using our perfectly good coffee maker at home.
- I haven’t worn makeup in months. (Seriously.)
- I haven’t worn my hair down in weeks. (I’m not exaggerating.)
- I haven’t visited the gym since giving birth, yet I refuse to cancel my membership because I swear I’ll start spinning next week.
There was a time when guilt didn’t consume my thoughts. When I was solely responsible for myself, before another human relied on me for everything, I didn’t think twice about splurging on designer boots or enjoying a second glass of wine.
Perhaps guilt is simply part of being a mother. For more insights on the journey of parenthood, check out this blog post about navigating the fertility journey through intracervical insemination. If you’re interested in learning more about the various options available for conception, visit this resource on in vitro fertilisation. Additionally, for those considering at-home options, BabyMaker offers an array of tools to assist you in your journey.
Summary:
The emotional landscape of motherhood is often overshadowed by guilt, which can arise from various situations and decisions. From prenatal experiences to the challenges of early parenting, this article explores the deep-seated emotions that accompany motherhood, particularly the pervasive guilt that many mothers feel. Despite the joy and love that come with raising a child, the struggle with guilt remains a common theme in the lives of new mothers.
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