Each morning, as I take my children to daycare, we engage in the same familiar exchange.
“Mom, are you going to pick us up?”
“Absolutely, my little sunshine! I always do!”
“Mom, are you coming back?”
“Of course, sweetheart! I always come back.”
Then I embrace them tightly, plant kisses on their cheeks, and step away.
Lately, an unsettling thought has plagued me. What if one day something occurs, and I am unable to return to pick them up? What if I don’t come back? Each time I leave my boys—be it for a short outing or a long day—I reassure them with kisses and promises of my return. When they inquire about my coming back, I affirm, “I will always return.”
I pray daily that this remains true. However, the harsh reality is that life is unpredictable, and there exists a genuine possibility that one day, I may not come back. This notion weighs heavily on my heart as a mother, especially as a single parent. I am fortunate to have a loving family who would care for my sons if anything were to happen to me, ensuring they would be nurtured and cherished. But that’s not the crux of the matter.
When my children ask if I will come back, they are not merely inquiring about someone else picking them up. They want to know if I, their mother, will consistently be there for them. Will I be present when they need me? Can they trust in my presence, even if I am not physically there? This is the assurance they seek in those moments.
This instinct for a child to have their parent nearby is vital. They need to feel confident that their mother will always return, regardless of circumstances. The stark truth is, I won’t be here forever. There will come a time when I take my last breath, and I won’t be able to “come back.” I fervently hope that day is many years away.
I wish to witness every milestone in my boys’ lives. I want to be present for their firsts and lasts, to see them grow, find love, marry, and become fathers themselves. I long to attend every sports event and special occasion. The thought of them searching for me and not finding me is heartbreaking.
My children are young, and their questions stem partly from routine and the need for reassurance. Although I have consistently been the one to drop them off and pick them up from daycare, there is a layer of insecurity beneath their inquiries. At their ages of three and almost two, they are aware of the absence of their other parent, who is often not around. This creates an heightened sense of concern regarding my daily return. They need that promise, even though they have never doubted it. I am honored to provide that assurance, but I cannot shake the worry of a day when I might not be able to.
As a mother, my greatest fear is departing from this world too soon, leaving my children without my guidance and love. Are any of us ever truly prepared for such loss? I share this fear as a daughter too; at 30 years old, I still dread the day when my own mother might not “come back.” I rely on her just as much now as I did in my childhood.
My sons will always require me, whether for small tasks or significant life events. A child’s need for their mother’s presence is eternal. I pray I have the opportunity to be there for them as long as possible. Even when that day arrives when I can no longer return, I hope they carry my spirit with them, knowing I did everything I could to be present in their lives. They must never question my love or my desire to be there for them. I want them to feel assured that their mother was their biggest supporter, willing to traverse any distance to be with them. I hope that with every breath they take, they feel my presence, even in my absence.
As long as I have the power to do so, I will always return.
For more insights on parenting and home insemination, you can check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and this post about home insemination kits.
Summary:
This article reflects on the deep emotional connection between a mother and her children, exploring the fears and hopes that accompany the role of a parent. It emphasizes the importance of reassurance and presence in a child’s life while acknowledging the reality of mortality. The author expresses a desire to be there for every significant moment in her children’s lives and the hope that her love and spirit will remain with them even in her absence.
Keyphrase: What If I Don’t Return?
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