In the intricate landscape of motherhood, a mother carries a vast array of emotions and responsibilities. From the tender memories of each child’s first kicks—one reminiscent of a small fish swimming beneath the skin, the other a gentle flicker, like a firefly lighting up the night—to the profound experience of holding a newborn right after birth, these moments are indelibly etched in the heart. There is also an unshakable weight that comes from grief, as even the fleeting existence of a lost pregnancy leaves an everlasting imprint on the heart.
With joy comes a constant undercurrent of fear. The memory of my child fainting in the bathtub, filled with terror that I had lost him, still lingers. Or that frantic summer afternoon when my toddler darted into a busy parking lot, prompting a surge of adrenaline that propelled me to safety. Despite these anxieties, my heart overflows with love for my children, accompanied by an instinctual drive to safeguard them.
While I anticipated the emotional depth of motherhood upon receiving positive results from the pregnancy test—my heart swelling with love—I was unprepared for the mental load that accompanies raising children. It seems these little humans are inherently incapable of managing their own lives, yet they lead remarkably active ones, demanding homework completion, suitable clothing, and a fridge that needs constant replenishing.
In our household, my husband, though a devoted father and provider, lacks the mental bandwidth for the minutiae of daily life. Thus, the burden of keeping track of everything falls upon me. I excel at it—perhaps excessively so. This mental cataloging is likely the reason I experience “momnesia,” which has persisted long past the baby years. It explains my difficulty in winding down at night and my struggle with even simple intellectual tasks, like crossword puzzles that my third-grader brings home.
What Occupies My Mind
At this moment, my mind is occupied with the following:
- The location and water level of each child’s water bottle, along with when they will need refilling.
- The last time my toddler had a bowel movement, the consistency of that event, and my educated guess on when the next one might occur.
- The precise contents of my child’s backpack, including a ruler at the bottom and a lint-covered mitten stashed in a pocket.
- The state of every pair of pants my boys own, how they fit, and an estimation of when they will need replacing due to growth.
- The exact times each child fell asleep last night and woke up this morning, which allows me to predict the impending chaos of the evening hours.
- The inventory of snacks in the cupboard and how much remains in each container.
- The location of every toy in our home—except for those tiny pieces that seemingly disappear without a trace.
- Each child’s last medical check-up and the upcoming appointments that need to be scheduled.
- A running list of needs: from library books to wish-list toys, replacement bathmats, vitamins, and peanut butter crackers available only at a specialty store three towns away.
- Every permission slip awaiting my signature, upcoming school projects, PTA meeting dates, and my eight-year-old’s perceived debt of playdates.
I recognize that one day, my brain may be freed from this overwhelming responsibility. There will come a time when I can indulge in a novel again (right now, anything over 800 words feels like a challenge). Gradually, I hope my children will start to manage some of these details themselves.
For now, I bear this mental burden—exhausting and sometimes frustrating. Yet, when I reflect on how fleeting this stage of life is, I find bittersweet beauty in it all. The worn-out jeans crying for patches and the little curls that need trimming are part of the essence of their childhood—and my identity as their mother. These two sweet boys have already captured my heart, and while they may be taking a toll on my mental faculties, I willingly let them—hoping to reclaim some of that mental real estate in the future.
For those interested in the journey of motherhood, insights about home insemination can be found in one of our other blog posts. If you’re exploring the topic further, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Motherhood encapsulates a myriad of emotions and responsibilities that often become a mental burden. From tracking daily needs to managing emotional highs and lows, mothers navigate a complex array of tasks that can lead to “momnesia.” While the weight of these responsibilities can be exhausting, the beauty of fleeting moments with children provides profound meaning.
Keyphrase: Mental Load of Motherhood
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