There’s a revelation I’ve encountered about single parenting in my forties: it revolves around choices. I refer to it as the “OR” phenomenon.
And no, I’m not talking about a surgical setting—though the second half of life might involve a few trips to the hospital. I’m referring to the conjunction “or.” Think of it like those Miranda rights we hear on TV: the part where it says you have the right to an attorney or one will be provided. That’s the essence of “OR.”
When navigating a divorce, you often find yourself making a choice between time OR money. But let’s be real; it frequently feels less like a choice and more like a raw deal—sometimes you end up with neither. It’s uncommon for both parties to walk away with a substantial amount of both time and finances unless, of course, you’re a celebrity. Even then, parenting alone usually means that your time is stretched thin (especially on the days you have the kids), and with many states enforcing a 50/50 financial split, your bank account, retirement savings, and living space all take a hit. Sigh. I really miss my vintage armchair.
In my own divorce, I received the “time,” while my ex-husband took the “money.” I was left with a less demanding work life—at least until I had to pay the mortgage. Now, I find myself choosing between throwing lavish birthday bashes or living in a decent neighborhood.
Yet, the former spouse with the deeper pockets enjoys the privilege of whisking the kids away on extravagant vacations, buying them bicycles, and being the hero when they desire the latest gadgets or video games. Perhaps if he had a bit more time, he might have researched the appropriateness of the games he just handed to our pre-teen.
Another “OR” that comes to mind: women over 40 often need to choose between their face or their figure. This dilemma isn’t exclusive to single mothers; it applies across the board. Gravity doesn’t play favorites.
At this age, achieving an attractive appearance in both areas without medical assistance is nearly impossible. If you commit to the gym and sculpt a great backside, you might find your face looking a bit gaunt. All that fitness can leave you with a sagging visage. I like to think my casual approach to fitness has left me with a pleasantly plump face, which can be quite forgiving as I approach 50.
As a working single mom, the “OR” concept permeates various aspects of my life. I can either prepare a delightful dinner OR tackle my overflowing email inbox. That crucial hour between 5 and 6 PM, when homework is often completed, is prime time for getting things done. But it’s a constant choice: some nights, I forgo the gourmet meal for an inbox that resembles a jungle. Other evenings, “OR” becomes “NOR,” and we find ourselves enjoying takeout in the living room.
Speaking of vacations, the “OR” dilemma looms large. When finances permit, I can take my kids on trips to places of my choosing (for more on the financial aspect, refer back to time or money, above). I’m thrilled that snowed-in cabins no longer define “vacation” for us.
However, traveling with a 1-to-3 adult-to-child ratio isn’t exactly relaxing, even with a beautiful beachfront rental. I constantly seek vacation properties with stunning views from the kitchen since that’s where I’ll spend the majority of my time. Not only do I handle all the cooking and cleaning, but I also face the laundry upon returning home. I get the chance to go on vacation OR actually relax—sometimes, the choice isn’t worth it.
When I think about it, this stage of life is also riddled with “ANDs.” You end up doing the laundry AND the dishes. Many of us experienced this even during our marriages. The thought of another adult swooping in to help, even if just a fantasy, can make the load feel lighter—along with a second glass of wine, of course. That’s a choice I fully embrace. I’ll take both glasses, thank you very much.
In this journey of single parenthood, the choices may be plentiful, but so are the opportunities for growth and laughter.