Last week, I caught up with a long-lost friend, Jenna, and was taken aback to learn she had initiated divorce proceedings. After nearly 20 years of marriage, she felt it was time to part ways with her husband.
Curious about her decision, I asked what led her to this point. Despite their shared history, Jenna revealed that as their children grew more independent, she and her spouse seemed to drift apart. They were like two strangers, each on their own path with diverging future goals. For Jenna, this was an opportunity to embrace her identity as an independent woman—something she believed she had set aside during the years of child-rearing.
In her case, intimacy and romance had slowly faded during the whirlwind of raising kids. The couple was so consumed with career-building and juggling PTA meetings, soccer practices, and doctor visits that they lost touch with each other. Their children had been the glue holding them together, but once those kids became self-sufficient, there was little left to salvage from their uninspired marriage.
Driving home that evening, I felt a wave of sadness for Jenna as I reflected on similar marriages I had seen unravel over the years—couples I once thought would last forever. It made me ponder how a relationship can shift from joy to heartache, leading to the decision to separate after decades together.
What keeps a marriage from disintegrating, I wondered? Why has my own relationship endured, even through turbulent times? There have been moments when it felt nearly impossible to stay afloat, yet counseling helped guide us when feelings of disappointment and resentment threatened to pull us under. Amid those storms, we consistently found our way back to each other, rediscovering the love that initially brought us together.
So, what’s the secret to our lasting marriage? It’s hope. Hope is the thread that ties us together, the foundation that has carried us through our darkest moments. Five years into our union, we experienced the profound loss of our twin son shortly after birth. This tragedy, while devastating, ultimately brought us closer, allowing us to grieve together, unlike many couples in our support group who ended up splitting. In a strange way, that heartbreak prepared us for future losses, letting us lean on each other during tough times.
Similarly, when my husband faced job loss, we were overwhelmed with uncertainty—four young kids at home, no income, and bills piling up. I felt frustration and wanted to place blame, but I recognized that doing so wouldn’t help. Instead, I chose to support him during his struggle, understanding that criticism would only add to his stress. Despite the fear, we sought help and maintained faith that a better opportunity would arise, which it eventually did.
Navigating the teenage years of parenting also tested our relationship. We often found ourselves at odds when it came to discipline—my husband was the enforcer, while I took a softer approach. The friction led to disputes, but we eventually learned to compromise and work as a team.
The most significant hurdle for us, however, has been my battle with clinical depression. After years together, my husband has become adept at recognizing when I’m spiraling. He allows me the space I need to sort through my feelings but always steps in to help me find joy again once the clouds clear. It’s like riding a roller coaster together—sometimes thrilling, sometimes terrifying, but we hold on tightly through every twist and turn.
Our commitment to facing these challenges as a united front has made all the difference. We share our victories, drawing strength from each other. We’ve invested in the partnership we’ve built, and neither of us has ever considered giving up. Staying together isn’t just for the kids; it’s about aligning as partners and striving for common goals, realizing we are two halves of a whole.
Key elements of our successful marriage include appreciation, communication, kindness, trust, and forgiveness, all sprinkled with humor. It’s the little gestures that matter—a love note on the fridge, flowers picked from our garden, or the way we can finish each other’s sentences. Those impromptu kisses, sharing a bowl of ice cream, doing a silly dance, or cuddling up for a movie on a rainy day—it’s about being best friends who choose to uplift each other while embracing each other’s quirks. It’s about giving without expecting anything in return and daily affirming our love for one another.
While I can’t fully grasp what Jenna is experiencing, her reasons for ending her marriage are valid, and that is what truly matters. I can offer my support whenever she needs it, and with each passing day, I strive to show my husband that I am a better person because of his love.
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