They say the only guarantees in life are death and taxes. As a semi-responsible parent, I feel compelled to share this wisdom with my three little ones. While we don’t delve too deeply into the “death” aspect, I eagerly embrace the opportunity to explain the concept of taxation, especially when Halloween approaches.
Every year, around 9 p.m. on October 31, once we’ve helped our kids out of their costumes and tucked them into bed, my partner and I sift through their Halloween candy haul. What are we really doing? Sure, we might claim to be checking for hazards like razor blades or suspicious substances, but let’s be honest—we’re pilfering their candy stash.
Inevitably, our children begin to notice that their candy supply seems to dwindle faster than the one-piece-per-day rule allows. At this point, my partner and I must come clean about our chocolate-related transgressions. This is when we launch into the Halloween Candy Tax (HCT) lecture—a session complete with slides and a fun round of Candyland afterward to ease the tension.
During the HCT discussion, we try to instill in them that moderation is key to preserving their dental health. We mention that our pediatric dentist rewards kids who donate their Halloween candy to be sent to soldiers stationed overseas. We throw around phrases about healthy choices and empty calories, you know, the usual spiel.
But then we get serious. We explain that enjoying certain privileges comes with responsibilities—like taxes. As members of our family, they benefit from privileges like food, clothing, a roof over their heads, toys, and, of course, loving parents. These privileges come at a cost, and sometimes that cost is chocolate. Hey, it’s never too early to teach kids about taxes, right?
We also reserve the right to impose a “sin” tax on their candy. Just as the government levies higher taxes on items like tobacco and alcohol, Mom and Dad collect a bit of sugar when their behavior falls short. A tantrum at Target? That’ll cost two Tootsie Rolls. A bedroom that resembles a disaster zone? That’ll be one Kit Kat, please. Oh, and if they leave a sippy cup of milk in the car for three weeks, well, that’s going to cost them every last piece of candy they collected on Oak Street.
As parents, we do countless things for our children: cooking, cleaning, teaching them manners, helping with homework, volunteering at their schools, driving them to activities, and showering them with love. We don’t ask for much in return—just a few hugs, listening ears, and, ideally, a clean room. Sometimes they do well, and life is smooth sailing; other times, they owe the “Pied Piper” in miniature Snickers bars for a bit of sass. I’m totally fine with this arrangement and happy to assess the annual Halloween candy tax each year.
This article was originally published on Oct. 26, 2015.
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