Every morning, as I drive my kids to daycare, I find myself in the same routine conversation.
“Mom, are you coming to get us?”
“Absolutely, my little sunshine! I always come back!”
“Mom, are you really gonna come back?”
“Yes, my love! I promise I will be back!”
With a squeeze and a kiss, I leave them behind. However, for the past few months, an unsettling thought has crept into my mind. What if one day, something unexpected occurs, and I don’t return to pick them up? What if I simply don’t come back?
Regardless of where I go or how long I’ll be away—be it five minutes or the entire day—I always tell my boys I’ll see them later. When they ask if I’ll return, I reassure them, “I will always come back.” I pray each day that this remains true. Yet, the harsh reality is that we can never truly predict the future, and there’s a chance I might not be there one day. This thought weighs heavily on me as a mother, especially as a single mom. I know my loving family would step in to care for my boys, ensuring they are loved and looked after if something were to happen to me.
But that’s not the crux of their questions, is it? When they inquire about my return, they aren’t merely asking if someone will come for them. They want to know if I, their mom, will always be there for them. Can they count on me to be present when they need me? This reassurance is what they truly seek.
The need for a parent’s presence is innate in children. They want to feel secure in knowing their mom will always be there for them, no matter what. The reality is, I won’t be around forever. There will come a time when I take my last breath and won’t return. I fervently hope that day is many decades away.
I never want to miss a moment of my boys’ lives. I want to witness every milestone, from their first steps to their weddings. I want to be present for every game and special occasion. The thought of them searching for me and not finding me is heartbreaking.
Though my boys are still young, their repeated questions likely stem from habit and a need for reassurance. They have another parent who isn’t around much, and that absence might amplify their concerns. Despite having never experienced a day without me picking them up, their need for certainty is palpable. I’m happy to provide that reassurance and honored to always come back. Yet, I can’t shake the thought of a day when I might not be able to, regardless of when that might be.
As a mother, one of my greatest fears is leaving this world too soon, leaving my sons without a mother before any of us are ready. As a daughter, I share that fear. Even at 30, with three children of my own, I worry about the day my own mother may not return. I still need her just as much as I did in my childhood.
My sons will always need me—whether it’s to pick them up from daycare or to help them get ready for important moments in their lives. A child always requires their mother’s presence, and a mother always strives to be there, even if not physically. I pray every day for the chance to be there as long as possible.
Even when the time comes that I can’t be physically present, I hope my boys carry my spirit with them. I want them to know that every day I did everything I could to be there for them. I want them to feel my love and understand that I would cross mountains to return to them if necessary. I hope they always know I am with them in spirit.
As long as I can, I will always come back.
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In summary, the fear of not being there for my children is a heavy burden, but I strive to provide them with the reassurance they need while cherishing every moment we have together.
Keyphrase: What Happens If I Don’t Return?
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