Do I look frightened in that photo? Honestly, I can’t recall if I was scared or not; the post-C-section medications are quite something. I do remember thinking the hospital food was the best I’d ever tasted—only to find it just as mediocre when I had it again weeks later. Apparently, pain meds really do give me the munchies.
I was definitely feeling overwhelmed and a bit anxious. Surely, the only rational reaction to being responsible for two newborns was sheer panic. What if I messed up? What if I scarred them for life? What if they grew up to be fans of the wrong football team? The struggle was very real.
In retrospect, I should have realized something was amiss when only a few days after giving birth, I found myself yelling at a nurse, losing it with three family members, and experiencing a panic attack that only subsided when my doctor sat on the floor beside me, holding my hand, and my mom took me for a walk to grab coffee. I just assumed it was hormones and that I would eventually be okay. I was utterly mistaken.
I feared I might become depressed; I knew the signs and had a plan if sadness struck. What I didn’t expect was that anxiety would hijack any joy I had in motherhood.
There were many glaring signs that I ignored at the time, but I kept trudging through each day, doing what I had to do to survive. I washed and sterilized 20 bottles daily, feeling compelled to line them up just so, convinced that if I didn’t, something terrible would happen. I stressed over our formula stock, convinced we would run out if I didn’t have at least three large tubs on hand, even though one tub usually lasted about four days. What kind of crisis could possibly prevent us from getting more formula within a week and a half? Yet, the fear was all-consuming.
One day, I left the boys in the truck with my partner while I dashed into the store for formula. When I came back out and couldn’t immediately spot the truck, a full-blown panic attack hit me. Tears streamed down my face as I feared my partner had driven off with the boys. In reality, he had merely pulled over to wait.
I wouldn’t step out for a quick trip to Target without packing 10 diapers and four bottles. That was enough for at least eight hours, but I had no clue what I expected to happen that would keep us there so long.
As the boys grew, my anxiety morphed. I stopped worrying about their immediate needs and became consumed with fears that they were falling behind developmentally due to my inadequate parenting. When they didn’t hit their talking and walking milestones by 15 months, I panicked. Sure enough, they qualified for our state’s early intervention program.
I felt like a failure as a mother, an imposter in my own life. Here I was, a smart woman, yet I felt utterly lost when it came to raising my children.
It took two years for me to face the truth—that my perception did not match reality. I wasted so much time paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by even the slightest change in routine.
If any of this resonates with you, please don’t wait two years to seek help. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge that something is off. You haven’t failed; you’re not a bad mom. Our body chemistry can be complex, and there is support available. You are not alone. In fact, research suggests that postpartum anxiety is more common than the widely recognized postpartum depression.
Remember, you are not alone. I found incredible assistance and made significant progress in just a handful of months. The hardest step was admitting I needed help from my doctor. And you know what? He didn’t think I was crazy or a bad mother. He understood and walked me through my treatment options.
You can get through this. A trip to the mall doesn’t have to involve seven hours of planning and three bags. A cough doesn’t mean your child is doomed. A bump on the head is unlikely to be catastrophic.
Today, my boys are thriving. They’re funny, curious, and smart. I still worry about them being Dallas fans, but I’ve learned I can’t control everything—and I’m okay with that.
This article was originally published on Oct. 22, 2015.
Summary:
Postpartum anxiety can be a daunting experience for new mothers, often manifesting as overwhelming fear and panic over everyday situations. The author reflects on her own journey through anxiety after the birth of her twins, emphasizing the importance of recognizing the signs and seeking help early. With the right support, she found relief and learned to embrace the unpredictability of motherhood, ultimately realizing that she was not alone in her struggles. For those facing similar challenges, seeking assistance is crucial.
Keyphrase: postpartum anxiety
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