There’s an endless list of things that weigh on a mom’s heart and mind. I can still recall the first time I felt each of my little ones move inside me—one was like a playful fish swimming, while the other was a gentle flicker, reminiscent of a firefly’s glow. Those moments are etched in my memory, just like the feeling of cradling my newborns against my skin, their soft cries filling the room. And even though I only carried the baby I lost for a fleeting week, their absence lingers in my heart, leaving me to wonder about the life that could have been.
As any mother knows, fear is also a constant companion. I’ll never forget the day my child collapsed in the bathtub, the sheer panic that gripped me in those terrifying moments. Or the time my toddler darted into a crowded parking lot, and I felt an adrenaline rush that made me feel like I could fly just to keep him safe.
The love I have for my children is immeasurable, and along with it comes an instinctual drive to protect them at all costs. I was fully prepared for these emotions the moment I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test—my heart expanded in ways I never imagined possible.
What I didn’t anticipate, however, was the mental inventory I would need to maintain. It seems that these tiny humans have a knack for losing track of everything essential in their busy little lives. They require homework to be completed, clean clothes that actually fit, and a refrigerator that seems to empty itself overnight.
My partner, bless him, simply doesn’t have the capacity to juggle all these details. He’s a fantastic dad and a wonderful provider, but keeping tabs on our family’s daily needs—well, that’s my job. And I’ve honed it to a fine art. I can’t help but worry that my mental cataloging may be the reason I experience “momnesia” far beyond the baby phase. It’s likely the reason why I struggle to quiet my mind at night; even the crossword puzzles my third-grader brings home feel beyond my capabilities these days.
What Occupies My Mind
At this moment, here’s a snapshot of what occupies my mind:
- The location and water levels of each child’s water bottle, along with when they’ll need a refill.
- The last time my toddler had a bowel movement, the specifics of its consistency, and when I can expect the next one (because we all know that’s how diaper supplies run out).
- Every item in my kid’s backpack, right down to the lint-covered mitten and that ruler hiding at the bottom.
- A mental inventory of each pair of pants my boys own, along with their wear and tear, and my predictions on when they’ll need replacing.
- The precise times each child fell asleep last night and woke up today, which helps me anticipate the evening chaos that will ensue.
- The contents of the snack cupboard, so I can manage the ravenous appetites that seem to sprout overnight.
- The location of every toy in the house—except those tiny pieces that mysteriously vanish.
Moreover, I’m keeping track of each child’s last doctor and dental checkup, the upcoming appointments we need to schedule, and the endless wish lists for library books and birthday gifts. I also remember every permission slip that needs signing, all the school projects on the horizon, and the next PTA meeting I need to attend.
Yes, it can be overwhelming at times, but I remind myself that this phase is fleeting. Someday soon, I hope to reclaim some of this mental space for myself. Maybe I’ll even read a novel again without feeling my brain fry after a few chapters. Until then, I’ll carry the weight of these details because they’re what make up the fabric of my children’s lives—and mine as their mom. These two sweet boys have already claimed my heart, and I suppose a few brain cells too—but I trust I’ll regain some of them back in the future!
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Summary
Motherhood brings an emotional depth that is both beautiful and exhausting. While the love for our children is immeasurable, so too is the mental load that mothers carry, from tracking daily needs to anticipating future appointments. It’s a challenging but rewarding journey, filled with fleeting moments that define our lives as moms.
Keyphrase: mental load of motherhood
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