Earlier this summer, I found myself chatting with a friend who recently took a job at our local state university’s health clinic. I was curious if she encountered typical issues like colds, contraception, or something more severe. With my daughter just starting college, I couldn’t help but seek insights from someone in the field, especially since, like all parents, I’m concerned about binge drinking and unprotected sex. My friend’s response surprised me; she leaned in and whispered, “I see a lot of anxiety.”
“Really? Even here?” I asked, baffled. Having spent six years at this university for my undergraduate and graduate studies, I never perceived it as a particularly anxiety-inducing environment. Sure, there were stressful moments—I still remember the dread of receiving a D on my math final and how that felt like a punch to the gut. I kept it to myself, embarrassed to share with friends or even my parents, who I never discussed grades with. I engaged in self-talk that day, trying to shake off the feeling. In a couple of days, I bounced back. (I ended up with a C in that class.) However, another friend, a university counselor, informed me that today’s youth often lack these coping skills. “They don’t know how to manage their emotions,” he explained. “I help them learn to navigate through their feelings.”
Coping skills—what a nebulous concept. How exactly do you teach them? Are they innate, or can they be learned? Numerous articles and books delve into the struggles millennials face, particularly when they enter college. Professors I know have noted a stark contrast from a generation ago; parents now frequently intervene by calling about grades, attending meetings with their children, and stepping in when their kids stumble. We’ve been discussing this shift for over a decade, but the alarming rise in anxiety and mental health issues on campuses is a newer trend. The statistics show a troubling increase of 13 percent in psychological distress at college counseling centers over the past two years. What’s behind this?
Last week, I wrapped up reading How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims. Her call for parents to step back from excessive involvement and equip their kids with vital life skills, including coping mechanisms, resonated with me. Much of what she describes about contemporary parenting rings true—our tendency to resolve conflicts for our children, label minor issues as bullying, and our reluctance to allow kids to take on responsibilities around the house. We often rush from one extracurricular to another, sacrificing our own lives to focus solely on our children’s activities. I see this all around me and relate to it more than I care to admit.
Meanwhile, friends who encourage independence in their children, such as one who intentionally relocated their family from a high-pressure community, attribute much of this anxiety to social media. They argue that the phenomenon of the “curated self”—the polished lives displayed on platforms like Instagram and Snapchat—creates unrealistic expectations. I’ve witnessed this myself; just before heading to college, my daughter excitedly showed me photos of an upperclassman at her school—a small liberal arts college known for its adventurous spirit and high-achieving students. “Look at all she’s done!” my daughter exclaimed, holding up her smartphone. “She’s hiked in Nepal and skied in incredible places!” Those images painted a picture of a perfect life. But does my daughter realize that everyone, including that upperclassman, experiences self-doubt?
My daughter is naturally independent, not typically prone to anxiety like I am. From a young age, she embraced her individuality. Over the years, she has managed her homework, learned to cook, and even tackled laundry on her own. As a senior, she took charge of her college applications, wrote her essays, prepared for the SAT independently, and secured multiple letters of recommendation, all while maintaining a reasonable bedtime. She has navigated public transportation in New York City alone, switched planes by herself, and developed a steady babysitting clientele. Recently, she even backpacked into the North Cascades with friends, insisting that her outdoor-savvy dad stay behind so they could figure things out themselves. She trusts her problem-solving abilities and actually enjoys getting lost. Lythcott-Haims would certainly approve.
But what about her inner life? How well can she reflect on her thoughts? How does she manage to calm herself after facing setbacks? How will she cope with homesickness, loneliness, and self-doubt? These are questions I can’t answer. While I can’t picture this resilient, optimistic child spiraling into despair, I know from experience that her journey will include challenges. We adults understand that homesickness fades, self-doubt diminishes, and loneliness subsides—provided one recognizes these feelings as normal, something everyone experiences, regardless of what they post online.
There are no simple solutions to the multifaceted issues our children confront as they transition into adulthood. I agree with my friends that simply reducing overparenting isn’t the answer. My daughter exemplifies independence and life skills, yet social media’s pervasive influence remains a significant factor. The cultural climate sends powerful messages about success that our kids seem to absorb—messages that need to evolve to encompass a broader range of post-high school paths beyond the elite colleges that many students fixate on. We’ve tried to counteract these success narratives in our laid-back town, but it’s an uphill battle. Still, we must continue the conversation, and some of us need to ease the pressure. It’s not worth the cost; too many kids are struggling.
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Summary
This article discusses the pressing need for a cultural shift in how we prepare our children for adulthood, highlighting the challenges they face today, including anxiety and social pressures exacerbated by social media. It emphasizes the importance of fostering independence and coping skills while recognizing that simply reducing parental involvement isn’t the sole answer. It’s a call for continued dialogue among parents about managing expectations and pressures on children as they navigate their paths to adulthood.
Keyphrase: Cultural shift in parenting
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