On my street, there’s a somewhat peculiar man who often catches my attention. I describe him as “somewhat” odd because he appears perfectly fine on the surface—he’s tidy, engages in friendly chats with neighbors, and takes care of his front garden. Yet, there’s a nagging instinct that makes me cautious. He has a habit of commenting on my 5-year-old son’s attire, particularly his favorite Batman shirt. So far, this has seemed harmless. However, the other day, he crouched down to my child’s level and, with an overly serious expression, said, “You help your mom a lot, don’t you? Don’t you? Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye.”
At that moment, my son was not making eye contact; instead, he was focused on the pavement, which is a common reaction in kids when they feel they might be in trouble. The man repeated his command for my son to look him in the eye. Finally, I interjected, kindly asserting, “He doesn’t have to look you in the eye.” The man seemed surprised but stood up and said, “Well, you’re a big help to your mom.”
I suspect he would interpret this encounter as an example of an overly lenient mother failing to instill respect for authority in her child. I, on the other hand, perceive it as a rather peculiar display of dominance that some men exhibit towards boys.
As parents, we quickly become aware of the subtle yet pervasive gender conditioning present in our society. This conditioning often becomes glaringly obvious when we witness it in children. Just recently, I observed a mother reprimanding her daughter repeatedly for displaying her frilly underwear. One has to wonder, who chose that outfit for her in the first place?
When it comes to boys, the conditioning is often less apparent, perhaps because I’m accustomed to seeing typical boy behavior as the norm, while girls are socialized to embody traits deemed “feminine.” However, it’s undeniable that boys are also being molded to fit our societal notions of masculinity. Like many parents, I sometimes worry that my son is not assertive enough or fails to “advocate” for himself, a concern that seems to resonate more with boys than it does with girls.
Indeed, both boys and girls should learn the importance of standing up for themselves. Yet, there seems to be a societal tendency to socialize girls to be more empathetic and considerate of others’ feelings, thereby fostering stronger friendships. A piece from Pacific Standard highlights that men often report feeling isolated, largely because they lack the social skills that women typically develop for maintaining relationships.
I can’t help but ponder if our insistence that boys be tough, suppress their emotions, and “stand up for themselves” is shaping their ability to form and nurture relationships. The man next door, with his traditional viewpoint of requiring my son to show deference, prompts me to reflect on whether our upbringing of boys prioritizes hierarchy and dominance over empathy and support.
Girls receive a clear message to prioritize others’ needs, which can indeed be detrimental if taken to extremes. Women must also learn to assert their own needs. However, boys must equally understand the value of empathy—seeing things from another’s perspective, choosing to walk away from conflict instead of feeling the need to “win.” I hope my son will be inclusive in his interactions at school, inviting shy or quiet classmates to join in games during recess. After all, they can play together without the pressure of direct eye contact.
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In conclusion, we must critically examine how we teach boys about masculinity and the implications of these lessons on their relationships and emotional well-being.
Keyphrase: teaching boys masculinity
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