“Look, it’s Uncle Brian!”
At first, I was puzzled by how my brother, who lives several states away, appeared in our living room until I realized that my 2-year-old son was pointing at the TV. The image was of NBA icon LeBron James. While Brian is around 5-foot-8, LeBron’s impressive 6-foot-9 stature makes them worlds apart in terms of basketball prowess.
On another occasion, my son referred to Brian as Russell Wilson, the quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks. A few weeks later, he identified him as a player from one of those lesser-known NCAA teams that always seem to get knocked out in the first round. (I might be a bit of a sports fanatic.)
I quickly realized what was happening: my son was beginning to recognize skin color. To him, Uncle Brian was “brown,” similar to the African-American athletes he saw on the screen. While I found the comparisons amusing, I also felt a wave of anxiety.
I wasn’t worried about discussing race. As a Black mother, I understand that these conversations are unavoidable, often initiated sooner by Black parents due to societal realities. I knew this recognition of color was a normal developmental stage; kids start noticing differences in skin tone from infancy and can articulate these differences as young as 2 or 3.
What troubled me was how to navigate this with a mixed-race child who might struggle to see himself as either Black or white, and who may not yet grasp the idea of being “both.”
Initially, I questioned whether I had failed him by not exposing him to more people of color. We live next door to an Indian family, and his daycare has a diverse mix of children, but most of the adults he interacts with regularly are white. My family, a group of African-Americans with various skin tones, spends time with him, but Brian is the only young Black male he regularly sees. I worried he might develop stereotypes if the only young Black men he encountered were those on TV.
He also perceived those athletes as distinct from himself, despite coming from a brown-skinned mother. In my mind, he was a person of color, just like me, who would identify with other kids with brown skin and see those with “peach” or “white” skin as different. I distinctly remember wondering at my own childhood why some people had white skin when everyone around me was brown.
B’s experience, however, has been quite different, as is his appearance.
“So, what color are you?” I asked one day, curious.
He replied, “I’m white, like Daddy.”
I gently corrected him, saying, “You’re both brown and white. You’re part like Mommy and part like Daddy.”
To be honest, he struggled to distinguish between white people too. On screen, “Daddy” encompassed everyone from singer Justin Timberlake to various politicians debating health care reform. He seemed to notice skin color but also recognized age and body types.
He could link specific white men to Dad and view Black women as Mom. This made me happy, indicating he was recognizing more than just skin tone.
The more I listened, the more relieved I felt. Yes, my son was aware of color differences, yet he hadn’t absorbed societal messages that assign higher value to one skin tone over another. He noted his friends with brown skin or his friends from “China” but never labeled their skin or eyes as strange or ugly. While children can begin developing racial biases at a young age, perhaps we were doing the right thing as a family by deliberately engaging in cultural events, seeking out diversity in his daycare, and ensuring we had books and shows reflecting the rich tapestry of our society. He saw it as normal for children from different backgrounds to have friendships, feeling comfortable with both “brown” families and “peach” families alike.
I’m not so naive to think this level of racial harmony will last forever. As kids grow, they inevitably absorb negative messages from the world around them. However, I believe it’s a positive step if they can maintain genuine friendships across racial and ethnic lines in their early years.
Now, at 5, B’s sense of identity and racial awareness has matured, yet he still perceives the world in vibrant Crayola colors. He no longer describes himself as white like Daddy; he identifies more as peach. One day in the tub, he excitedly declared he was the same color as his younger brother (who hadn’t even been born yet). He sees himself as light brown, not quite as brown as Mommy, who is brown like Uncle Brian. Nowadays, his comparisons of Uncle Brian are limited to a few athletes and musicians, like Drake.
Little B feels he embodies a bit of both worlds, and I’m delighted by that.
In conclusion, it’s essential to engage with your child about their identity and the world around them, no matter how complex it may seem. For more on navigating pregnancy and family dynamics, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’re looking for tools to support your family journey, consider visiting BabyMaker Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit and CryoBaby At-Home Insemination Kit.
Keyphrase: Understanding Racial Identity in Mixed-Race Children
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