A friend of mine, expecting her first child (oh, the sweet innocence!), recently inquired about what the typical monthly OB appointments entail. Spoiler alert: they’re rather dull. Here’s a step-by-step guide for those unfamiliar with the experience:
- Check in while answering the seemingly endless questions from the receptionist about your insurance and address—seriously, it hasn’t changed in a decade.
- Take a seat on a chair that feels like it’s made of wood and nails. Get cozy; you’ll be here for a bit!
- Avoid making eye contact with the other patients, except for that one overly chatty grandma who insists on discussing the weather and other trivialities.
- Pretend to be interested in the outdated issue of Golf Digest, or the May 2014 edition of Good Housekeeping that’s lying around.
- Play a mental game of “Guess Who’s Pregnant?” as you observe the waiting room crowd. That lady in the corner is a mystery.
- Feel a sense of relief that you’re not the mom struggling to manage her four energetic kids while waiting for her appointment.
- Eavesdrop on the woman who’s obliviously on a speakerphone call, providing entertainment during your wait. Doesn’t she see the “No cellphones” sign?
- Oh, look at that adorable couple here for their first prenatal visit! Enjoy, dude, as your partner gets her vitals checked and faces the dreaded speculum. If you’re in this situation, kindly let your partner handle future visits solo unless it’s a significant ultrasound.
- Regret not bringing a snack; your stomach is growling.
- Briefly contemplate tackling the woman with the Luna Bar for a bite—forget it, it’s the coconut flavor.
- Whip out your phone because who cares about the “No cell phones” rule? Boredom has taken over. You’ve seen eight people leave and not a single one return.
- Listen to the new arrival loudly grumble about the wait. Seriously, you haven’t even had a chance to read the Golf Digest yet.
- Yay! Your name is called! Wait, why are you excited to have your lady bits probed with a tube slathered in what seems like a liter of lubricant?
- Step on the scale and fight back tears.
- Grit your teeth as the nurse shakes her head at your blood pressure.
- Attempt to fill a cup so small that even a sniper would struggle to hit it. Hope you’ve produced enough. Brace yourself for the inevitable lecture about staying hydrated—even though you feel like you’re swimming!
- Repeat your estimated due date and last menstrual cycle date to the nurse for the fifth time today.
- Lift your shirt and lower your pants enough for the nurse to use the Doppler on your belly (if you’re past 12 weeks). Experience a mini panic attack until she finds the heartbeat. Wipe off that sticky gel—good luck with that!
- Cross your fingers that this appointment doesn’t require an exam.
- Well, guess what…
- Disrobe in an exam room that’s either freezing or boiling hot.
- Perch your half-naked self on a crinkly piece of paper covering a hard metal table, wishing you could escape. But you’re too committed now—just read the birth control posters on the wall.
- Wait.
- Wait some more.
- Wait until you’re about to scream from frustration.
- A knock on the door! Finally, let’s get this show on the road!
- Surprise! There’s a younger intern with the doctor—great, he’s cute. Just what you need. sigh
- Gaze at the calming mountain stream poster on the ceiling while the doctor examines you. Hope you don’t spot post-exam.
- Questions, questions—what did you want to ask the doctor again? Vow to jot them down next time. Feel a bit silly for forgetting.
- You might need to give a blood sample. Don’t worry, they only need a gallon.
- Book your next appointment with the receptionist. There’s just one slot left in the universe!
- Leave feeling like you need a shower, some iron supplements, and, oh yes, that water.
- Stop at Burger King. Order onion rings and convince yourself it’s a veggie serving.
- Make a mental note to bring a book and a snack next time. (Yeah, you’ll forget.)
- Repeat this whole process in a month or, heaven forbid, sooner.
Exciting, right? Some appointments may include thrilling things like diabetes screening or tests that ramp up anxiety, along with a long wait for results. You might even get an ultrasound, but unless it’s a special check like the anatomy scan, don’t count on it. I get it—you can’t wait for the next appointment! But hey, at least you’re on the road to becoming a mommy, which is truly incredible!
This article was originally published on Sep. 28, 2015.
For more information about home insemination, check out this insightful piece on Cryobaby Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit and visit Make a Mom for expert guidance. For those exploring pregnancy options, Resolve.org offers excellent resources.
Keyphrase: OB appointments for pregnant women
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