Updated: September 25, 2015
When my daughter Lila turned two and a half, she started exclaiming—often at the top of her lungs—“I need to be pretty!” This demand dictated her wardrobe choices, favoring pink shirts and dresses over pants. My instinct as a parent was to push back, insisting she didn’t need to conform to such standards and that wearing a dress wouldn’t allow her to climb on the playground. “I don’t want to climb,” she’d retort. “I have to be PRETTY!”
Initially, I attributed her fixation on prettiness to the well-meaning strangers who constantly complimented her attire, saying things like, “You look so pretty in that dress!” My frustration grew, not just because I felt they were pressuring her to prioritize beauty, but also because I feared they were setting her up for a lifetime of unsolicited remarks about her appearance—potentially leading to more serious issues down the line.
However, as Lila’s demands for prettiness grew, I began to realize it was more than just societal brainwashing. It was a fundamental part of her identity and a way she expressed her femininity. My responsibility as a feminist mother wasn’t to paddle against the pervasive pink tide that engulfs girls from birth, but to support and celebrate her adoration for all things girly, while still critiquing the harmful aspects of gendered marketing. This balancing act has compelled me to confront my own biases regarding femininity.
Growing up in the ’80s in England, I was raised in a culture that, although not overtly feminist, had its own set of gender expectations. Tomboys were admired, while girls who embraced femininity were often belittled. I yearned to be like those girls in pink dresses with My Little Ponies, yet I felt compelled to reject that part of myself, thinking I had to be “better.” Even in school, I would mock my classmates for their love of dresses and sparkles, associating femininity with frivolity—no wonder I never topped the popularity charts!
While my experience may be extreme, many of us carry some level of femmephobia. Even girls who are encouraged to embrace pink and “girl toys” soon learn that their choices are scrutinized. Taking an interest in fashion is often dismissed as trivial. Today, I recognize this mindset for what it is—misogynistic nonsense—yet I found myself hiding Lila’s tutu out of discomfort with the unsolicited “pretty princess” comments she received in public.
That’s when I realized it was time for a serious attitude adjustment. The tutu wasn’t the issue—nor was the concept of pretty itself. Wanting to be pretty isn’t inherently wrong; the problem arises when the definition of pretty is skewed, often favoring thin, white, and traditionally feminine ideals. Moreover, those who don’t fit into this narrow mold often find themselves excluded from the “pretty club.”
What I hadn’t fully grasped was that Lila’s interpretation of pretty had nothing to do with societal standards of attractiveness. For her, being pretty is about adornment—dresses, sparkles, colorful accessories. When she says, “Mommy, you’re not pretty today,” she simply means I should wear brighter colors. And when she declares, “Everyone’s pretty in Lila-land,” I yearn for the day we can all embrace such a liberating perspective on beauty.
Despite the work ahead—acknowledging that my daughter will likely encounter societal pressures around beauty—I want to retain the key lesson she has imparted to me: prettiness is an action, not a state of being. There’s nothing foolish or trivial about it. And, of course, the tutu will never be the issue.
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In summary, my daughter has enlightened me to redefine my understanding of prettiness. Instead of viewing it through a lens of societal pressure, I now see it as a form of creative expression. Embracing this perspective allows us to navigate the challenges of gender norms with a more open and accepting mindset.
Keyphrase: Embracing the Concept of Pretty
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