I woke up far too early this morning, grappling with that familiar feeling: a tightness in my chest, the nagging sense that something was amiss, and that persistent hum in my mind that kept me from drifting back to sleep, even though I had the chance to do so.
Theoretically, I could have returned to slumber because my 8-year-old son wasn’t going to sneak into my room to cozy up and snag my blankets after 6 a.m., and his older sister wasn’t going to argue with me about my electronics ban first thing in the morning. While these little interruptions can be quite annoying, especially before I’ve had my coffee, today I was painfully aware of their absence.
I miss my children, and oddly enough, I find some happiness in that.
Sharing Parenting After Separation
When my partner and I separated, we didn’t need to negotiate custody arrangements; we had already decided long before kids came into the picture that, in the event of a divorce, we would share parenting equally. In fact, during those chaotic early days with an infant and a toddler, we joked about adding an escape clause to our hypothetical 50-50 arrangement: “If one of us leaves, that person must take the kids.”
As we moved forward with our separation, that idea held firm. We both cherished our time with the kids but also openly acknowledged our desire for breaks from parenting—to recharge, work, socialize, get our homes in order, travel, or even explore dating. We loved our family mornings and dinners, but we also craved lazy mornings where we could sleep in or indulge in cheese and crackers for dinner while watching TV. Sharing custody seemed fair to both of us.
Worries and Realizations
Yet, deep down, I worried—not about missing my kids when they were away, but about resenting their return. I feared that I might enjoy my time alone a little too much, that the peace would become addictive, and that I might become indifferent to parenting. I questioned whether I was a selfish mother, not devoted enough to want my children around all the time.
In hindsight, I shouldn’t have been so hard on myself. Navigating a separation—even a relatively amicable one—is not the ideal moment to assess your feelings about anything long-term. The months before and after our decision to part ways were some of the most stressful of my life. My partner and I were clumsily trying to co-parent while sharing the same space. Eventually, he found a new place, and we began splitting our belongings. The day his moving truck came to collect half of our shared life, I felt both suffocated and relieved, as if I could finally breathe after months of tension.
Finding Balance
Now, my kids move between the “new” house and the “old” one. Whenever they aren’t with me, I immerse myself in a flurry of nesting—painting, organizing, and redecorating. When they are with me, I feel calmer, happier, and more capable than I had in ages to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
When they leave, I miss them—not in a dramatic way, but with a gentle tug at my heart. It’s a twinge when I drop them off at school, knowing they’ll head to the other house later, or when I put away toys that won’t be used for a few days. Every time I see the Archie comic in the bathroom, I smile, thinking, “They’ll be back soon to read that.”
By the fourth or fifth day without them, I start to feel a bit off, restless. So, when I first felt that longing for them, I was unexpectedly relieved. I wasn’t a selfish mother; I was a woman emerging from a tough year, a parent immensely in love with her kids, committed to providing them with a secure home, even when they aren’t around. I miss them when they’re gone, but at least I know they’ll return.
Embracing Independence
During my kids’ time away, I keep busy. My solo dinners might consist of cheese and crackers and a glass of wine in front of the TV. I work, socialize, exercise, and meditate; I’m even considering dating again. I genuinely enjoy my time alone, and all the while, I still miss my children. And for that, I’m grateful.
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Conclusion
In summary, I miss my kids when they’re not with me, and I cherish the time I have to myself. This balance enriches my life as a mother, making me appreciate our moments together even more.
Keyphrase: I miss my kids
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