My son self-harms.
My sweet, gentle, loving 7-year-old son self-harms.
And it shatters my heart.
Saying these words out loud feels surreal. I never imagined I would connect “self-harm” with “7-year-old son.” Self-harm often brings to mind troubled teenagers hiding their pain from the world. But when Jude self-harms, there’s no hiding it. Everyone within a mile radius knows what’s happening.
This is part of Jude’s journey. It’s his way of coping with the overwhelming sensory experiences that come with autism. Jude was diagnosed with autism at just 18 months old. At that time, I was largely uninformed about autism—my understanding was limited to what I had seen in movies like Rain Man years earlier. Fast forward over five years, and autism is a constant presence in my thoughts.
Jude began exhibiting self-harming behaviors around the age of 2. One moment, he would be cheerful, and the next, he would be in distress, dropping to his knees and bouncing while crying uncontrollably. Initially, we didn’t grasp what these episodes signified. With Jude being nonverbal, it was easy to assume he was simply frustrated by his inability to express himself.
As time passed, his behavior escalated, leading us to recognize the concept of “meltdown.” Unlike a tantrum, which is often driven by a desire for attention or control, a meltdown is a response to sensory overload, leaving the individual feeling lost and scared. Identifying triggers can be a challenge, and it often takes time for the individual to regain their composure.
Jude’s meltdowns started with knee bouncing and evolved into foot stomping. Soon, he began using his hands to lash out, initially slapping his arms and legs, then moving on to hitting objects like walls and radiators. Eventually, he started to slap his face, which struck me as particularly alarming. The sight of a child repeatedly hitting themselves is devastating.
Imagine slapping your own face repeatedly. It’s nearly impossible to do it without some sort of internal restraint kicking in. Yet, Jude doesn’t seem to possess that filter. Tears stream down his face, yet he continues to inflict pain upon himself, alternating between his face and head.
About two years ago, the intensity and frequency of his meltdowns increased dramatically. He would have episodes lasting up to eight hours a day, sometimes waking in the middle of the night and beginning to slap himself half-asleep. It feels like there are two versions of him—the calm, sweet boy and the one consumed by chaos. During these meltdowns, he becomes a different person, targeting only himself. Once the storm passes, he returns to his usual self, smiling and moving on with his day.
We’ve tried numerous strategies to help him. We altered his diet and sought medical evaluations to rule out other issues. We brainstormed potential triggers and aimed to prevent them, distracting him with his favorite foods, shows, and activities. We explored therapies, including occupational therapy and massage, and even tried ignoring the behavior (which is easier said than done).
In the early days, the only thing that seemed to calm him was driving around while listening to music. I found myself scooping him up and driving him for hours, even at 2 a.m., desperate to ease his pain. I’ve experienced anger, desperation, and heartbreak—shouting, crying, and pleading with him to stop as I tried to reason with him. At times, I even wished he would take out his anger on me instead. Just please, not himself.
Gradually, things have improved over the past year. Now, he typically has only three to four meltdowns a day, and on good days, they last just a few minutes. Even on the tougher days, I know that these episodes will eventually subside.
I love Jude more than anything, and I embrace his autism as part of who he is—my sweet, nonverbal, loving 7-year-old whose smile brightens my world. I’ve learned to manage his self-harming behaviors better. I remain calm during meltdowns, working to eliminate the stressors that trigger his reactions. I’ve become more attuned to potential sensory overloads and do my best to shield him from them. Yet, if I’m honest, every time he self-harms, it still breaks my heart just a little bit.
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Summary
This heartfelt account explores a father’s experience with his 7-year-old son’s self-harming behaviors linked to autism. The narrative highlights the emotional toll on the family, the evolution of the child’s meltdowns, and the father’s journey towards understanding and managing these challenges. Despite progress, the pain of witnessing his son self-harm remains.
Keyphrase: My Son Self-Harms
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