I recently shared a little something on Facebook that made me anxious about being shunned from social media—or worse, ostracized from America. I confessed: “I just attempted my yearly PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte) and, unfortunately, I still can’t get into it.” I half-expected someone to show up at my door to revoke my citizenship or whisk me away to witness protection.
I braced myself for the inevitable backlash. PSL enthusiasts are a passionate group and they don’t hold back. But when I cautiously ventured back online, I discovered that I wasn’t alone in my pumpkin aversion. It turns out, there are many like me who share this disdain, and they have some strong feelings about it too.
This is where the division begins. You’re either on Team Pumpkin or you’re praying for its rapid decline. Perhaps we can find common ground, but first, let me share my grievances.
First off, if you’re a pumpkin lover, congratulations, you win. I completely concede to your pumpkin passion. Honestly, I envy you during this time of year. It must be exhilarating to have a plethora of pumpkin-flavored options available every few moments. As a chocolate devotee, my choices feel incredibly limited in comparison.
Need proof? Let’s look at my mid-September errands:
Stop 1: Starbucks
This is the epicenter of Pumpkin Spice mania. Here, I know that from Labor Day until Christmas, I’ll be that oddball ordering the only drink that’s not a PSL. Today, the barista called out, “Jamie? Your grande NOT PSL is ready,” followed by gasps from the 39 PSL devotees eagerly awaiting their seasonal fix with a side of pumpkin cake pops.
Stop 2: Bagel Shop
It’s hard to mess up a bagel, especially in the NYC area. As I waited for my turn, I overheard a mother-daughter duo debating pumpkin options. “Should I get the pumpkin bagel with plain cream cheese or the plain bagel with pumpkin cream cheese?” It was a real nail-biter. Thankfully, I had my caffeine fix to help me endure their dilemma without an outburst.
Stop 3: Trader Joe’s
I do love Trader Joe’s seasonal goodies, but wow—around 90% of their stock right now is pumpkin-themed! Pumpkin butter, pumpkin pancake mix, and even pumpkin dog treats are all over the place. Can we fast-forward to the holiday season, please? I miss enjoying free samples without feeling bombarded by pumpkin.
Stop 4: Doctor’s Office
I’m not kidding here. In the waiting room, a man called his daughter to announce that he found Pumpkin Spice M&Ms at the grocery store. Who thought it was a good idea to mess with M&Ms? They deserve better!
Stop 5: The Internet
By the end of my errands, it was me against the Pumpkinsphere. I logged on to find Pinterest bombarding me with seasonal boards, all about pumpkin. I clicked through to see treats like Pumpkin Cheesecake Crepes and Boozy Pumpkin White Hot Chocolate, which almost tempted me but still wasn’t enough to sway me.
It’s clear that Operation Pumpkin Domination is intensifying every year, and it seems to be the new autumn standard.
But don’t shed a tear for me. My heart goes out to the apples and their supporters. Once the queens of fall, apples have taken a serious backseat to pumpkins. Sure, we still go apple picking and enjoy some apple pie, but let’s be honest—pumpkins have overshadowed them completely.
It’s quite the phenomenon. I guess I should be grateful that no other gourd has reached this level of fame—imagine if squash were the trend!
So here’s to you, Team Pumpkin. Enjoy your moment in the sun. But before you know it, the PSL craze will fade, and we’ll all be back to peppermint lattes and holiday treats.
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In summary, while pumpkin spice may reign supreme in the fall, let’s not forget about the apples and the other flavors that bring joy to our plates.
Keyphrase: pumpkin spice satire
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