There’s a feeling stirring inside me, and no, it’s not the typical baby fever you might expect. What I truly desire is to relive my past experiences with my own little ones—not a third child, and definitely not your baby (nice try, though). I yearn for the days when my babies were still babies, whether it’s my son or daughter. Maybe even both—just not simultaneously!
Over the past few months, I’ve been grappling with an embarrassing midlife obsession: I adore babies. It’s overwhelming! It feels like the universe is taunting me, as my social media feeds are flooded with adorable infants—some just born, others stumbling through their first steps, and a few celebrating their first birthdays. Those chubby thighs, tiny fingers, and wispy hair tug at my heartstrings. I’m particularly drawn to those bright blue-eyed babies, as both of mine share that trait, even as teenagers.
These little ones in my feeds? They are pristine canvases, asking for nothing beyond cuddles, nourishment, and unconditional love. What could be more uplifting than a newborn? It symbolizes new beginnings and serves as a reminder that life continues, encouraging us to love ourselves a little more. Babies don’t hold grudges or roll their eyes, and while they require a great deal of care, the joy they offer is unparalleled. The pure adoration radiating from a baby is a unique gift, free from curfews or chores.
I find myself longing to travel back in time, desperately trying to grasp the daily joys of babyhood. I want to remember the sensation of snuggling a drowsy infant against my neck during those quiet early mornings when the world was still. I want to recall how it felt to bathe my first baby, anxiously trying to keep him safe. I want to relive those moments of hearing “It’s a boy!” and “It’s a girl!”—each time feeling an undeniable connection that had been there even before I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. I want to remember the unfiltered joy of their first dances, songs, and imaginative play.
Yet, I struggle to vividly recall it all. “You’re creating memories!” people would exclaim during those tedious grocery trips or while pushing swings for hours on end. I likely say similar things to my younger friends embarking on their parenting journeys. Deep down, they know that while their days may feel endless and mundane, it will all pass quicker than they can fathom.
But the memories… “You’ll cherish all the memories!” they cheer. However, the moments we create aren’t always clearly defined as time passes. Some memories are jagged, raw, and may not align with how our children remember them, which can be surprising. Yet, there are those moments that shine through the fog, so clear and vibrant that they can be relived at will.
The daily grind—bedtimes, bath times, repeated readings of “Hop on Pop” or “Brown Bear, Brown Bear,” and the endless boxes of mac and cheese—tends to blend together. The “firsts” and “lasts” of each child, from tentative steps to losing a first tooth and transitioning into high school, all seem to blur in my memory.
As I sift through boxes of printed photos (remember those days before digital?) that span my children’s entire childhood, I am reminded that it all happened and was very real. We’ve lived countless adventures, from camping trips to amusement parks, birthdays to sleepovers, accompanied by cherished pets and favorite toys. I didn’t keep a blog or a journal back then; we captured our moments through photos and videos, which are now stored in boxes down the hall.
The haze of memory that encompasses my kids’ 21 years is somewhat unsettling. I always thought I would retain more vivid recollections. At times, I worry that I’m losing these memories, one faded snapshot at a time.
If only I could hold my baby again, be it my daughter or son. I would cherish the experience of having my little girl on my hip or my son laughing until he gasped for breath. I promise I’d remember—I truly would. I just wish I could hit rewind and relive those precious days.
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In summary, the longing for those early days with my children is palpable. I wish to relive the moments that shaped our family, and though the memories may fade, the love remains ever-present.
Keyphrase: Baby Fever
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