The day I went in for my 36-week growth scan, I was met with the unimaginable news: my son had passed away. A wave of despair and disbelief crashed over me, leaving me utterly broken. In those initial weeks, I would sometimes awaken in the middle of the night, momentarily forgetting my loss. But as I surfaced from slumber, the harsh truth would hit me like a thunderbolt, reminding me that this was not a dream—it was my new reality.
When it comes to losing a baby, people often struggle to find the right words. It defies the natural order of life. Strikingly, there is no specific term for parents who experience this type of loss. If you lose your parents, you are labeled an orphan; if you lose a spouse, you become a widow or widower. But when you lose a child, society largely reacts with relief that they aren’t in your shoes.
In those early days following my loss, conversations with friends and family felt clumsy and awkward. While some offered the comfort of a hug and a few kind words, many resorted to phrases that, although well-intentioned, felt utterly hollow: “Everything happens for a reason.”
I can’t even count how many times I heard this after my tragedy. I often wondered if people truly considered the weight of these words or if they simply regurgitated a phrase they believed to be profound. When disaster strikes, it seems that these five empty words become a go-to mantra, as if they could somehow restore order to a chaotic universe.
Did your beloved pet get hit by a car? Don’t fret; everything happens for a reason. Lost your job and your home? Just remember, everything happens for a reason. Your partner betrayed you? Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason. Your child faces bullying at school? Remember, everything happens for a reason. And when you lose your baby, you’re told not to feel sad because everything happens for a reason, even if no one can articulate what that reason might be.
The underlying suggestion is that, eventually, you’ll see how this tragedy was somehow beneficial. You’re meant to learn a valuable lesson from the horrific experience that has just unfolded in your life. Just hang tight until that magical moment arrives when it all makes sense.
Let me be clear: I completely reject the idea that everything happens for a reason. Anyone who argues otherwise has likely never faced genuine tragedy. What conceivable reason could possibly justify the loss of a perfectly healthy infant? Can’t think of one? That’s because there isn’t one. No hidden wisdom that we just haven’t grasped yet. It simply hurts.
Why did our longed-for baby perish while another was born with addiction? Why did our wanted child die while another is abandoned in a dumpster? Why did our baby die when another is subjected to abuse? Each time I read about a baby suffering, whether through neglect or violence, it makes me want to scream.
Everything happens for a reason? Absolutely not. The truth is, life unfolds randomly. Being a good person or following a particular faith has no bearing on the fate of your child. Did you really believe that being kind would grant you immunity from heartbreak? Think again.
Sometimes, unfortunate events befall truly good people; sometimes, they even happen to those who are far from good. That’s just how life operates. You have no control over it, so stop shouldering the blame.
Let’s put an end to the notion that we must always find a justification for suffering. Not every tragedy has a silver lining or a lesson hidden within. Life can’t always be wrapped up neatly. Sometimes, bad things just happen, and there’s no reason at all.
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Summary:
The loss of a child is an unimaginable tragedy that defies convention, often leaving parents without the right words to express their grief. Phrases like “everything happens for a reason” may be well-meaning but ultimately fall short in capturing the reality of such profound loss. Instead, life’s events often occur randomly and without justification, and it’s crucial to acknowledge that not every tragedy has a silver lining or a lesson to teach.
Keyphrase: everything does not happen for a reason
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