It was a Saturday afternoon, and I was supposed to be tackling the laundry. Instead, I found myself dozing off. When my partner, Lisa, walked in at 2 p.m., I was caught in the act.
“What is happening here?” she exclaimed. “Why do you get a nap?”
“I’m not napping,” I replied, trying to make light of the situation. “I just toppled over and realized how cozy the bed was.”
Lisa was not amused. “I want a nap,” she insisted.
“Then take one,” I mumbled, my face mashed into the pillow.
“We don’t have time for that!” she shot back, emphasizing “we” like it was a personal affront. “The kids have soccer practice in 20 minutes, and we still need to pick up mulch for the garden before the nursery closes.”
As she stomped away, guilt washed over me. With three kids under the age of 9, getting them to sleep for more than five hours felt like a miracle. It’s a rare occasion when all the stars align—one child will wake up thirsty at 10 p.m., and by midnight, another is having a nightmare. And then there’s our youngest, Bella, who is a notorious non-sleeper. She keeps us up late and has decided that 5 a.m. is an acceptable time to start the day.
I consume an alarming amount of caffeine to cope. Our lives are a whirlwind; I work full-time while Lisa juggles being a stay-at-home mom and pursuing her studies part-time. Our house constantly needs maintenance, and the older kids are involved in sports, scouts, and other activities that eat up our weekends. Sleep, it seems, is a luxury we can’t afford.
In our household, sleep has morphed into a source of tension and envy, a rare commodity that can be bartered for everything from chores to intimacy. When asked what she desires for her birthday, Lisa’s answer is simple: sleep. I find myself echoing her sentiment.
We could, in theory, ignore our responsibilities and just sleep, but that’s impractical. Parenting is relentless. Kids always have wants and needs, and letting everything slide for a nap isn’t feasible. Moreover, with our oldest being the only one old enough to watch his siblings, I don’t trust him to look after Bella.
Naps often require one parent to manage the kids while the other sleeps. This dynamic makes it feel like a betrayal if one parent gets to rest without some sort of exchange.
Just the weekend before my napping incident, while I was weeding in the yard, Lisa approached me with a proposition after a particularly rough night with Bella. “If you let me take a nap, we can be intimate later,” she suggested.
We negotiated a bit, deciding that intimacy would happen after the kids were in bed that night. A handshake sealed the deal, and I felt fine about her getting some rest. I knew in the past, when I’d offered to do chores in exchange for a nap, she probably didn’t feel guilty either. But now, we were in a situation where naps without a trade were becoming rare.
So, when Lisa found me in bed, no negotiations had taken place, and understandably, she was upset. If roles were reversed, I’d have felt the same way. We’ve created a system of expectations around sleep, and my unaccounted-for nap felt like theft.
I walked into the kitchen, where she was finishing the dishes. “I’m sorry. What do you need?” I asked.
“What do you think I want?” she replied, pushing her glasses up her nose. “I want to take a nap. I want some sleep.”
“It’s been a long week,” I explained. “I had those two 14-hour days.”
“When you work 14 hours, I’m working 14 hours too,” she responded. “I don’t get a break until you come home.”
Suddenly, it dawned on me—she was right. This parenting gig is no joke. I adore my kids, but the demands can feel overwhelming. With no family nearby to help out, our only break comes when one of us lets the other take a time-out.
“Okay, let’s work something out,” I suggested.
We quickly struck a deal: Lisa could nap while I took the kids to soccer practice, and then when I got back, I could catch a nap while she took them to the store. It wasn’t the ideal scenario for either of us, but the prospect of a nap made it worthwhile.
By the end, we shook hands, and Lisa said, “Pleasure doing business with you.”
“Likewise,” I replied.
In the chaotic world of parenting, sleep is truly a currency we all crave.
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