Parenting Insights
By Amanda Richards
Updated: February 11, 2021
Originally Published: September 2, 2015
I have a 5-year-old daughter who often finds herself in a state of frustration. She’s determined to create intricate structures with her building blocks and Legos, envisioning a grand castle that sprawls across the living room. I don’t usually intervene since my talents lie elsewhere—reading stories and indulging in ice cream. Yet, within a short span, her excitement often turns into a frustrated whine, followed by a dramatic collapse of her creation and a retreat to another activity, often accompanied by tears.
What’s striking is that she rarely returns to the project. She internalizes failure much more deeply than my husband does. He, too, experiences frustration when things don’t go as planned—whether it’s assembling furniture or fixing a leaky faucet—but he tends to shake it off and revisit the task later. For him, setbacks are simply part of the process, not a reflection of his abilities.
If I had boys, I can’t help but wonder if their approach to failure would be different. Personally, I’ve always been quick to give up at the first sign of trouble. When my daughter’s castle falls apart, I fear it means I lack any architectural skills, leading me to avoid future attempts at building altogether. This hesitation contrasts sharply with my husband’s resilience.
As Rachel Simmons discusses in Time, this tendency to perceive failure differently tends to align with gender norms. In her book, Jessica Lahey emphasizes that children thrive when parents allow them to face challenges on their own. Interestingly, failure is a crucial component of success; it fosters resilience and grit.
Simmons points out that girls often interpret failure as a sign of inherent inability, while boys are more likely to view setbacks as a result of external factors. This can partly be attributed to the type of feedback girls receive in educational settings, which often emphasizes their innate abilities rather than offering constructive criticism.
Another compelling factor is that girls are socialized to seek approval, making the disappointment of failure feel more personal compared to boys. True achievement, for everyone, hinges on finding intrinsic motivation rather than merely chasing external validation. This concept has been extensively researched (I first encountered it in the work of Alfie Kohn). Children should be driven by their own enjoyment and satisfaction rather than the lure of praise or accolades.
Girls may be more attuned to others’ opinions, which clouds their own desires and ambitions. In contrast, boys might pursue their interests without the nagging self-doubt that often accompanies girls’ endeavors.
I make a conscious effort to praise my daughter for her efforts rather than her abilities, saying things like, “You really dedicated yourself to that project,” instead of, “You’re so talented.” Watching her navigate her building projects has prompted me to reflect on my own tendency to shy away from challenges. I could benefit from tapping into my own intrinsic motivation, and I plan to do so just as soon as I finish my book!
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