Hey Mom, I’ve been doing some serious thinking lately. You might think I’m tucked away under the table, plotting my next dirty diaper, but really, I’m trying to grasp the chaotic hour you call our “nighttime routine.” Let’s be real: you’re going about bedtime all wrong.
Mistake 1: The Bath Time Madness
Seriously, Mom? Why do you think tossing me into a tub full of cool toys will calm me down? It’s like having an indoor pool with bubbles—BUBBLES! I’m 2, and my idea of paradise is water, toys, and you splashing around. And splash I will! By the time I’m done, that bathroom will look like a water park disaster. Don’t even get me started on those PJs with feet. I will absolutely lose it if you try to put those on me.
Mistake 2: The “Soothing” Storytime
You really think a tale about a prince, a princess, and a flying carpet is going to lull me to sleep? Nah, those stories are packed with action, and I’m right there, living it up! I see you trying to hush me, but I just want to share my favorite parts. Let’s hear those voices, Mom!
Mistake 3: The “Melodic” Bedtime Song
I love you, Mom, but your singing? It’s not great. And those old-school songs you choose? Ugh! Enough with the sappy adult contemporary tunes. Seriously, I have to question how you attracted Dad with that musical taste. At least he throws in some Pink Floyd once in a while. But your off-key serenades? They’re not helping me drift off at all.
Mistake 4: Rocking in the Chair
You think sitting together in the rocking chair will make me sleepy? Nope! I love hanging with you, but that chair is not comfortable anymore. You keep wrapping me in that blanket, but I’m kicking it off! Newsflash: I’m not a baby anymore—stop trying to swaddle me!
Mistake 5: The Great Bed Transition
At this point, I can feel your desperation, so fine, I’ll let you put me in bed. But if you think I’ll let you snuggle in with me, think again! I’ll kick you, likely in the face, just for fun. Then I watch you tiptoe away, trying so hard to close my door quietly. Here’s a tip: if I were actually asleep, you could slam that door, and I wouldn’t care. But since I’m wide awake, it’s like watching a one-woman show that’s painfully hilarious.
Mistake 6: The Water Conundrum
How have you not figured this out yet? I’m going to need a drink, and no, your cup by my bed isn’t gonna cut it. That cup is worse than your singing. It hasn’t been washed in days! I want the pink cup with the straw from downstairs, not your sad little offering!
Mistake 7: Your Relentless Efforts
The biggest blunder you make? You keep trying. You add ridiculous things like lavender oil massages, sound machines, or some concoction you call candy, which I know is just melatonin. Just stop! You’re only making it harder for yourself. Accept it: I run bedtime, not you. I’ll get up and go back to sleep on my schedule, not yours. Embrace the chaos, and while you’re at it, grab me a midnight snack. You deserve one too; we’re going to be awake for a while!
In summary, bedtime is not about strict routines or your desperate attempts to enforce them. It’s about understanding that I’m in charge here. If you want to learn more about home insemination and parenting, check out resources like this excellent article on artificial insemination. If you’re curious about home insemination kits, check out this post on Cryobaby and learn from the experts at Make A Mom.
Keyphrase: bedtime routine mistakes
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