Purchasing Ikea furniture is a lot like raising children: it’s a chaotic endeavor that leaves you questioning your life choices, yet you somehow find yourself going back for more. You enter each new project convinced that this time it’ll be different—that this assembly won’t send you spiraling toward the edge of sanity.
To help ensure your next Ikea adventure goes a little smoother (and you remain happily married), here’s a foolproof guide:
- Choose the Right Time: Wait until the kids are tucked in bed. Start your project feeling energized and optimistic about finally crossing something off your to-do list.
- Skim the Instructions: Flick through the assembly guide like a seasoned pro.
- Respond to Doubts: If your partner asks if you know what you’re doing, chuckle and confidently reply, “Come on, even a monkey could manage this!”
- Start with the Basics: Begin assembling by fitting the dowel rods together.
- Think You’re a Pro: Tell yourself, “This will be a 20-minute job, and then I can binge-watch my favorite show.”
- Fix the First Nut: Secure the first nut and insert the bolt.
- Use Your Fingernail: Attempt to turn the bolt using just your fingernail. Repeat until you realize it’s broken.
- Switch to Pliers: Refer to the instructions and hold the nut in place with pliers.
- Tighten with an Allen Wrench: Use the Allen wrench to tighten the bolt, only to watch it fall to the floor.
- Improvise: Use your right foot to stabilize the pliers. Hold the bolt with one hand and twist the Allen wrench with the other.
- Consider Alternatives: Briefly contemplate calling in a monkey for assistance.
- Reluctantly Accept Help: Let your partner assist, despite their belief that feet aren’t meant for tool use—unless you’re a primate.
- Embrace the Chaos: Watch as the Allen wrench slips, sending all your hard work crashing down.
- Daydream of Revenge: Picture a world where Allen wrenches are banned and fantasize about causing some harm to the inventor.
- Take a Breather: Pour yourself some wine and Google “Who invented the Allen wrench?”
- Curse the Inventor: Discover the inventor has passed away, which saves you a trip to the afterlife.
- Return to the Task: Get back to assembling the product, only to find no hole for the bolt on the final step.
- Get Creative: Use a hammer and nails from your toolbox because smashing things feels oddly satisfying.
- Find the Limits: Realize that over-tightening the bolts splits the wood. Even the slightest wrong move could lead to disaster.
- Give Up: Declare, “Forget it!” and pour another glass of wine while contemplating potential fires.
- Use Power Tools: Break the rules and grab power tools, despite the instructions warning against it.
- Make a Quick Run: If you lack power tools, dash to the store to stock up on both tools and wine.
- Hand Over the Tools: Pass the tools to your partner, who is now venting his frustration at Ikea’s CEO.
- Enjoy a Drink: Have another glass of wine while waiting for the magic to happen.
- Watch the Progress: Observe as your partner successfully drills the needed hole and attaches the final piece.
- Discover the Truth: Realize there was already a hole, and the piece is installed backward.
- Marvel at the Moment: Enjoy the sight of your partner’s exasperation, picturing him as a fury of laser beams and ghostly voices.
- Indulge Again: Drink yet another glass of wine.
- Make a Vow: Go to bed promising you’ll never buy Ikea furniture again.
- Ignore Your Own Words: Find yourself back at Ikea next month, ready for round two.
The secret ingredient? Wine, of course. Cheers to your next Ikea endeavor!
For more engaging reads, check out our article on at-home insemination kits, which explains how to navigate your own personal journey. You can find excellent resources about pregnancy and home insemination at WomensHealth.gov.