Let me clarify from the start: you’re not on the way just yet. While the desire for you is strong, and I picture you alongside your big sister, Grace, every day, I have to pause and consider what’s best for all of us. That’s why I take a small blue pill each morning, enduring the bloating, spotting, and all those odd side effects that come with birth control.
It might seem contradictory, but the timing isn’t ideal. You deserve the very best – as does Grace – and I’m simply not in a position to provide that right now. Emotionally, I’m still healing and financially, we’re not quite stable. I’m actively working on my emotional health by seeing a therapist who is also expecting, her growing baby bump a constant reminder of all I long for.
Then there’s the shadow of my past: after Grace was born, I battled postpartum depression. It wasn’t just the common baby blues; it was a deeper, colorless void that overshadowed the joy of motherhood. In those early months, I found myself submerged in tears while Grace learned to smile, sit, and eventually crawl. I felt like a stranger in my own life, unable to connect with the beautiful moments unfolding around me. I was supposed to be her mama, but I felt unworthy of the title.
Although I’m on the mend, the fear of slipping back into that darkness still lingers. I want to be the best mother I can be for you and Grace before you come into our lives. Each time someone asks when we’re having another child, it pierces through me. “Are you trying for baby number two?” they ask. I want to say yes but know that I’m not ready. It’s not a question of physical capability – I know that many women face tougher challenges. Instead, I feel a weight of inadequacy. We’ve decided to wait, and while it’s for the best, it doesn’t lessen the ache of what could have been.
Still, there are moments I let myself dream about you, baby number two. I wonder what you will be like, the color of your eyes, and how Grace will react when she first meets you. Will she shower you with sloppy kisses like she does with her stuffed animals? Will she teach you her favorite phrases, like “pwease,” to charm our hearts? Or will I miss the window of opportunity, and she’ll be too grown to care?
There are days when I feel ready, when the idea of trying seems within reach, but deep down, I know we need more time. We’re not quite there yet.
If you’re interested in exploring more about artificial insemination, check out this excellent resource on Wikipedia. For those considering home insemination, this guide from Make a Mom is really helpful, as well as their 21-piece home insemination kit that provides everything you might need.
In summary, while I dream of you and long for the day we can welcome you into our family, the timing isn’t right just yet. I’m committed to being the best mother I can be for both you and Grace before making that leap.
Keyphrase: baby number two
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]