When the reality of separation hit, I witnessed my kids’ expressions morph from innocence to confusion, then shock, and finally to worry and grief. They had so many questions: Where would they live? Who would they stay with? What led to our split? What about the cats? Who was informed? Could they adopt kittens in their new home, where they’d spend time with their other mom?
Luckily, we had prepared for their inquiries as best as we could. Our goal was to provide them with sufficient information to help them feel secure during this transition, showing them we were still united, just as a team with a new framework.
However, the question that took me off guard was, “How?” Or, as my ten-year-old, Leo, phrased it, “How can you still be our parents if you’re not together?”
I struggled to articulate a response. Was it because we had to? Because we would strive to communicate and prioritize their needs above our individual desires? Because we had calendars and smartphones? Even though my former partner, Alex, and I had faced challenges in our marriage, we had always excelled at managing the practicalities of parenting together. I found it challenging to convey that, despite the impending complications, we would make it work—because we always had.
Then, it struck me: “It’ll be just like it is with Sam.” Sam is many things: our sperm donor, the man who made cross-country trips with Alex and me to help us start our family. He is Leo and his sibling Mia’s biological father and their part-time parent. From the moment we conceived our plan, we envisioned Alex and I as the primary caregivers while Sam would act as a supportive figure. His role, we believed, would evolve organically over time.
In reality, Sam’s involvement has been vital. He doesn’t live nearby, but he visits several times each year, spending significant portions of school breaks and summers with us. He has cared for the kids while Alex and I took vacations together, and last year, he took Leo and Mia to visit his family across the country. When he isn’t here, he keeps in touch through postcards and video calls. Sam has become an integral part of their lives.
Thanks to Sam, my children have grown accustomed to having a parent who doesn’t reside with them full-time. They’ve learned that it’s possible for multiple people to co-parent effectively without being romantic partners and that mutual respect and affection can still exist.
“It’ll be like it is with Sam,” I told Leo, hoping to encapsulate all these thoughts in a simple phrase.
His body visibly relaxed. “Oh,” he said, his features softening. “Yeah.”
While it didn’t erase all his worries, it gave him a framework to understand our separation. If Alex and I could successfully co-parent with Sam without being partners, maybe we could navigate this new chapter too.
In that moment, I felt a wave of relief wash over me as well. There are still countless daunting aspects to separating after nearly two decades together, but amidst the legal agreements and scheduling conflicts, it’s comforting to know that I already possess the skills to share parenting responsibilities with someone who isn’t a partner. After all, I’ve been doing it since before my children were born.
For those curious about starting a family through alternative means, resources like Make a Mom’s home insemination kits and Cryobaby’s home intracervical insemination syringe kit combo offer excellent options. Additionally, for more information on intrauterine insemination, the NHS provides helpful insights.
In summary, navigating parenting after a partnership ends can be daunting, but with communication, preparation, and a willingness to adapt, it’s possible to create a supportive environment for your children.