They say that turning 40 is a marvelous milestone, but I can’t quite join in on that sentiment—not yet, anyway. Instead, I find myself grappling with this new chapter. I watch other women exude confidence and comfort in their own skin while I feel a sense of unease in mine. Although my 40th birthday has come and gone, I still feel unprepared to embrace this new version of myself.
I’m on a quest to rediscover who I am beyond being a mother and a wife, separate from the identity I cultivated throughout my 30s. That decade of building and creating feels like a distant memory, yet its echoes linger in my mind, unresolved. I know my 40s should be the decade that shapes the woman I am destined to become, but I’m struggling to align with that vision.
As the days pass, I find myself resisting this new reality. I glance in the mirror daily, confronted by the reflection of 40, and I’m surprised each time. When did I evolve into this? I see other women not just accepting this stage of life but truly reveling in it. I’m running behind, desperately trying to catch up. Perhaps they can offer me guidance, because I’m feeling worn out and in need of a boost.
I crave more than tired phrases like “40 is the new 30” or “Age is just a number.” Sure, there’s truth in those words, but I’ve always found clichés to be uninspiring. We are far more complex than a collection of overused sayings, and I know I am more.
I want to embrace my gray hair, which is now celebrated as fashionable. Young women are dyeing their hair shades once associated with aging, yet I find myself reluctant to accept this natural transition. Why is that?
Additionally, I need to come to terms with the evolving shape of my body, a vessel that has nurtured life and endured countless experiences. My body is resilient, perhaps even stronger than it was in my youth, as it carries the marks of a life well-lived—stretch marks, sagging skin, and a belly that once housed growing babies. Why can’t I appreciate these signs of my journey?
I strive to remember my past selves with warmth and gratitude, understanding that they have led me to this present moment. I want to approach the next decade with an open heart and mind, recognizing that this is my time. While I’m not “old,” I’ve learned how swiftly time flies. With my family complete and settled into our forever home, I want to build upon the beautiful life I have. So why is it so hard to feel satisfied?
I need to cultivate gratitude for the path I’ve walked. I have strong legs to carry me through the picturesque streets of my beloved neighborhood. My heart beats steadily, my lungs are clear, and my mind brims with life experiences. I’ve faced triumphs and challenges, losses and victories, and I remain here, fortunate every single day. So why isn’t that enough?
Navigating 40 is proving to be a challenge for me. It’s a realm I’m still trying to understand, a place I aspire to explore. Those who have journeyed through this stage tell me it’s a land of acceptance and peace, yet I find myself trudging through the remnants of my past. Perhaps my history is meant to accompany me as I move forward.
What I do understand is that I’m on my way, though I need a bit more time. To those of you who have embraced your 40s wholeheartedly, please don’t judge me for taking a moment—whether it’s a minute or a month—to find my rhythm and join you. After all, this isn’t a race; it’s a journey. I will catch up soon.
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