I have cherished the thrill of the cinema for as long as I can remember. The scent of freshly popped popcorn, the excitement of trailers rolling, and the promise of a two-hour escape from reality—nothing beats it. Throughout the years, movie outings have been my family’s go-to remedy for gloomy summer days and chilly winter evenings. It’s a surefire way to shake off any cabin fever!
Yet, more often than not, that’s not quite the case. Walking into the theater, I can hardly believe I just shelled out $40 for three tickets. If I’m still grappling with that fact, the concession stand quickly reminds me, as I spend another $40 on snacks—convincing myself that you can’t put a price on family time. Finally, we’re ready to dive into our cinematic adventure, and that’s when the chaos begins.
Here come the characters who transform our movie night into a disaster:
- The “I’m saving this whole row” woman. Oh, we can’t sit here? Or here? Are your friends really on their way? So my kids and I should be squished in the front row while you and your 14 pals saunter in 15 minutes late? Excuse me, (in my best dramatic voice) Security!
- The “I’m solo, so I’ll sit right next to this mom and her kids” guy. The row is empty, and you choose the seat next to my child? You, my friend, are a definite red flag. Don’t take it personally when we stand up and relocate to a safer spot across the theater, pulling up the sex offender registry just to compare faces. Safety first, right?
- The “waits until the movie starts to rummage through her bag and enjoy a homemade tuna sandwich” lady. She always manages to sit two seats away from me.
- The “crinkly candy wrapper” dude. He brings his own loud, rustling candies to munch on throughout the film. Guess who usually sits next to Tuna Sandwich Lady?
- The “Persephone” mom. She’s got a kid with a name that could win a spelling bee, and she yells it repeatedly while the kid runs wild. “Persephone, stop!” “Persephone, come here!” “Persephone, do you need to potty?” Seriously, Persephone is clearly not ready for this outing!
- The “talking at full volume” family. I can’t tell if they’re hard of hearing or just clueless about movie etiquette, but they waltz in chattering loudly and only quiet down once the film starts.
- The “constant chair rocker” child. He sits in front of me at every screening, shaking his seat like it’s a rocking chair.
- The “seat kicker” kid. He’s always behind me, unleashing a relentless barrage of kicks throughout the film.
- The “intense make-out session” couple. What is it about an 11 a.m. G-rated movie that makes you think it’s appropriate to act like teenagers again? Go find Creeper Guy a spot!
- The “field trip” group. Did I really just spend $80 to be surrounded by a gaggle of rambunctious 11-year-olds, chaperoned by two college kids?
- The “snoozer.” He’s out cold the moment the lights dim, providing an unintentional soundtrack of snoring for the entire film.
- The “wandering theater staffer.” What exactly is he looking for? Is he counting empty seats? Planning to wake up Snoozer? Investigating Creeper Guy? Why is he staring at me? What’s your role, man?! I’ve lost track of the movie because I’ve been distracted by you for the last ten minutes.
As the credits roll and the lights brighten, I gather my half-eaten bucket of popcorn and the last remnants of my warm, watery soda, joining the exodus to the lobby. I try to resist the urge to calculate how many Redbox rentals (53) or months of Netflix (10) I could have enjoyed with the money spent surrounded by these characters. All for you, Chris Pratt. All for you.
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Summary
A humorous reflection on the challenges of enjoying a night out at the movies, highlighting the various types of disruptive individuals who can turn a cinematic experience into a chaotic event.
Keyphrase: moviegoers who spoil the experience
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