To My Dearest Boys,
You’re my world, and there’s not much I wouldn’t do for you—even if it means giving you the last bite of my ice cream! I mean, if I’m foolish enough to eat something delicious in your sight instead of hiding out in the bathroom like a sensible mom, then I guess it’s only fair I share.
I like to think I’m a pretty good mom overall. Sure, I might have fibbed to your dad about the cat knocking over his prized beer stein. And yes, I helped you navigate the Lego disaster zone you created in our living room—the one that was “too hard” to clean during my vacuuming spree. I’m also guilty of stretching “five more minutes” into at least 15 so you can finish watching the end of your favorite show. Your little dance moves during “Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog” are something I deeply respect.
Now, my dear boys, I realize physics class is still a way off for you. However, I must admit, I flunked freshman science, so don’t expect much help with your homework down the line, okay? But I’ve discovered two essential facts about boys and their aim:
- Your little appendages are significantly smaller than the toilet bowl.
- Aiming your body directly in front of the toilet drastically reduces the chances of “sprayage.” Is that even a word?
As a mom of boys, I appreciate many things—like never having to argue about hairdos! Hearing “Mommy, you’re pretty” on days when I look like a hot mess is a real ego booster. But let’s get one thing straight: cleaning up pee is not one of my favorite activities.
Boys, I don’t love the “boy bathroom smell” that seems to linger no matter how many Clorox wipes I use. You know exactly what I mean. It’s that distinct aroma that even my best scented candles can’t mask—especially since I can’t risk leaving an open flame around you little whirlwinds.
It’s a mystery how liquid from such a small source manages to miss the large toilet bowl. After observing your bathroom habits, I now understand how those unexpected puddles appear. And yes, I know your brother is always the culprit, but let’s not pretend that I’m silly for asking, “Who did this?”
Here are some “pee moves” that hinder your aim—because aiming should be a goal, right? Humor me and pretend to try:
- Turning around mid-pee to see what’s on TV or check out what your brother is doing. Keep your eyes straight ahead, boys!
- Playing games while you pee. Multitasking is great, but this is a hard no.
- Peeing is not a team sport. You don’t need a buddy in the bathroom until you’re much older and I’ve explained proper etiquette.
- Attempting to pee in the dark without turning on the lights? Come on! You’ve conquered your fears of nighttime monsters—now let’s light it up so you can see where you’re aiming.
- Trying to create designs with your pee stream? Creativity is great, but not in the bathroom! Save that for your crayons, please.
I am confident you will grow up to be amazing, successful men who will marry wonderful women. I just want to avoid getting those judgmental looks at the dinner table every Christmas because you couldn’t manage to aim properly at least 86% of the time. So please, take this pee manifesto to heart—and don’t forget to flush!
xoxo
Mommy
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Summary
This playful letter from a mother to her sons humorously addresses their bathroom habits, emphasizing the importance of aiming for the toilet. She shares anecdotes from her parenting journey, blending love and laughter while offering practical advice for a smoother bathroom experience.
Keyphrase
toilet training tips for boys
Tags
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