Updated: Dec. 17, 2020
Originally Published: July 31, 2015
Dear Mother-in-Law,
I feel a bit odd writing this, especially after hearing all those stories about mothers-in-law who meddle in their daughters-in-law’s lives. But I think it’s time to share my thoughts.
I understand that my husband, Mark, is your only son and has been your pride and joy since the moment he came into this world. Now that I have a little boy of my own, I truly get that fierce motherly love—the kind that fills your heart with joy at every smile and breaks it at every cry. My love for my son grows every day, and he’s only a few months old. I can only imagine how my feelings will deepen over the years.
That being said, let me outline a few things:
- Our son is not a replica of his father.
I mention this because every time we share updates about your grandson, you can’t help but compare him to Mark:
- “Lucas doesn’t like pacifiers? Oh, Mark adored his!”
- “The doctor says to start solids at four months? Well, Mark was eating peaches at three!”
- “I can see Lucas’s hair is dark for now, but I have a feeling it will turn red like Mark’s did.”
While I can appreciate that seeing Mark with another little boy stirs up memories, it seems like you’re viewing Lucas as a mini version of his dad. From his birth time to his sleeping patterns, everything he does seems to be evaluated against Mark. Sure, there will be some similarities since he shares half of his father’s DNA, but Lucas is his own person.
- Please stop with the childhood memorabilia.
When you found out we were having a boy, we were genuinely touched by the Winnie the Pooh books you gifted us that you used to read to Mark. It brought tears to our eyes. However, since then, you’ve continued to shower us with items from Mark’s childhood—multiple pairs of baby shoes, outdated outfits, and even a half-scribbled picture from a coloring book.
It’s sweet (and a tad excessive) that you kept everything Mark ever used, but we kindly ask that you stop giving us these items and asking for pictures of Lucas using them. Again, Lucas is not his father, despite the framed baby photo you insisted we put up in the nursery to “see if Lucas looks like his daddy.”
- Mark is your son, but he’s not your baby anymore.
Mark himself acknowledges that he was spoiled growing up. The legendary “laundry saga” comes to mind: you would drive an hour and a half to his college each week just to collect a bag of dirty laundry he’d toss out of his dorm window. You’d wash it, iron it, and return it later that night. Six hours of driving for laundry for your 19-year-old son!
Initially, I found that tale amusing, but it lost its charm when I realized it wasn’t an isolated incident. This pattern has persisted throughout his life and into our marriage. Please refrain from telling him what to wear to family gatherings, buying him cards to send to relatives, or dropping by to check if our home is tidy. We are adults now, fully capable of handling these responsibilities.
Mother-in-Law, I recognize that you have the best intentions. Your actions stem from deep love for Mark. I know when you look at him, you still see that spirited little boy in his Power Rangers t-shirt. However, your reluctance to let him grow up is blurring your vision of the wonderful, responsible man he has become. It’s also preventing you from fully appreciating Lucas as the unique individual he is growing into.
– Your Daughter-in-Law
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Summary:
This letter addresses a mother-in-law’s tendency to cling to her son and project his childhood onto her grandson. The author expresses the importance of recognizing their son as an adult while allowing her child to develop his individuality. It encourages a healthier dynamic in the family by advocating for boundaries and acknowledging the unique identities of both Mark and Lucas.
Keyphrase: mother-in-law relationships
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]