Today was a peculiar day. In a hypothetical scenario, my spouse and I found ourselves discussing the unthinkable—what would happen if one of us were to pass away. “You keep eliminating family members,” my attorney quipped as we navigated the often uncomfortable waters of estate planning.
No, this wasn’t the worst day ever; it was just a long-overdue conversation. We finally made the decision to sit down with an estate planning lawyer to draft a will, set up a trust for our kids, and designate each other as power of attorney and medical proxy for those unforeseen circumstances.
At around 40 years old, you might wonder why it took us so long to take this step. And perhaps some of you are realizing, “Oh, maybe I should look into this too.” Distracted by the busyness of life, it’s easy to overlook something as crucial as estate planning. According to a poll by ABC, less than half of Americans have completed proper estate planning, and I completely understand why. My spouse and I attempted this over a decade ago, shortly after becoming newlyweds and new homeowners. The entire process felt overwhelming, so we abandoned our DIY efforts after just a few tries. To our credit, we did manage to notarize a document naming a guardian for our daughter, but that was about it.
A recent family tragedy illuminated the importance of having a power of attorney and medical proxy. Many assume their spouse will automatically be granted decision-making power, or that family members will instinctively know their wishes. Yet, the medical and legal systems are intricate and can complicate matters for loved ones left behind—think of the Terri Schiavo case. My attorney reminded me that even those who were diligent with their estate planning years ago must now consider new laws and medical procedures that could undermine their original intentions. Thankfully, I have her expertise on my side.
Here’s the bottom line: I don’t need to be the expert on everything (because I’m not). In fact, the process wasn’t nearly as costly as I imagined; our first planning session was complimentary. Now, I feel a sense of relief knowing that we’re paving the way for our children’s future, even if I hope we never have to face that reality.
However, I had to confront one uncomfortable truth during our planning session. When I asked my partner, “Can you name any of our kids’ doctors?” the answer was a blunt, “Nope.”
Oops!
During the meeting, I found out that I alone held all the passwords for our financial accounts since I manage the bills. Should something happen to me, my spouse would struggle to access our banking information, which is a major concern. So, we made some changes. Given our roles, it became clear that I needed to ensure he had access to vital information in case I were to become incapacitated.
This situation might resonate with some parents while sounding absurd to others. A dad who doesn’t know his child’s doctor? Believe it. My husband works long hours, which has allowed me to stay home with the kids. He frequently travels for work, leaving me to manage appointments and medical care. While he provides a lot, he misses many day-to-day happenings, and when he returns home, he’s often bombarded by our children and my lists of things to discuss.
Ideally, we would attend every appointment together, asking insightful questions and supporting each other. But reality has us juggling multiple appointments, and sometimes, he’s unaware of certain medical specialists—there are just too many to keep track of! No blame here; he’s focused on his career, while I’m busy managing the kids’ needs.
Recognizing this, I took a simple step: I made a comprehensive list of our doctors and specialists and posted it on the fridge. Now, if something were to happen to me, my spouse would have the resources he needs to continue caring for our children without the added stress of figuring everything out from scratch.
Taking proactive measures in the face of potential crises is not a sign of paranoia; it’s an act of love. By putting aside my “supermom” persona, I empower my partner with the tools he needs to step up if the situation calls for it. I’d prefer not to dwell on a future without him, or vice versa, but imagining such scenarios is crucial if you truly care about someone.
And then, you give them the means to navigate those challenges.