Wondering if your home resembles a wildlife refuge? Look no further than your kitchen. Is there a gravy boat shaped like a turkey? A cheese knife with a mouse handle? And that butcher block—could it really be a pig?
You didn’t necessarily intend to channel the great outdoors, but consumer trends and nature have a way of creeping in. In the suburban landscape of America, the species H. sapiens Pottery Barn (the human who splurges on pristine white dinnerware) finds it almost impossible to serve fish on an oval platter that doesn’t also mimic a fish. It’s evolution at its finest!
To satisfy the craving for home goods, the likes of Crate & Barrel bombard your mailbox with at least five catalogs each month—filled with whimsical whale spoon rests and other quirky items. Didn’t ask for those catalogs? Of course not; it’s just part of life in a planned community complete with pools and tennis courts.
Let’s delve into the fascinating creatures that inhabit this environment!
Williams-Sonoma Cast-Iron Bacon Press
Baconus brunchus
Fun fact! This delightful bacon press is a staple in the trendy subdivisions of Middle America.
Nothing is quite as ironic as the suburban kitchenware that playfully mocks the very animals we consume. Accept every brunch invite you receive, and you may encounter the ultimate ironic kitchen item: the pig-shaped bacon press from Williams-Sonoma. Because bacon pressed with a non-pig-shaped contraption simply won’t do for your brunch spread. This charming item is usually found in neighborhoods boasting school districts rated 8 or higher on GreatSchools.org.
Paula Deen’s Signature Stoneware Egg Tray
Rooster ridiculo
Fun fact! Modern egg trays have evolved to be too large for your cabinets.
Everyone in suburban America recognizes Paula Deen as the queen of butter and culinary kitsch. What’s on the menu with her products? Only the most extravagant finger foods! This deviled egg tray is a must-have for those with too much time and money. It’s designed for the edible un-baby chickens, while the proud rooster observes your indulgence. A sprinkle of paprika, anyone? You won’t find this cumbersome serveware in a compact Manhattan apartment.
Crate & Barrel Cow Creamer
Bos taurus pointless
Fun fact! Milk already comes in easy-pour containers, making this item utterly unnecessary.
In nature, milk comes directly from a cow’s teats. However, those aren’t suitable guests at the suburban dining table. Enter the Crate & Barrel Cow Creamer, allowing Bessie to graciously dispense cream into your coffee. Larger variants can be found in the form of milk pitchers.
Bed Bath & Beyond Cow BBQ Mat
Bos taurus outdoorus
Fun fact! An outdoor kitchen signals to your neighbors, “I have money to burn on grilling.”
Only in a .34-acre planned community can one seamlessly blend the outdoors with the indoors. Just like the cozy, heated kitchens within suburban homes, the outdoor kitchen comes with its own peculiar wildlife. This Cow BBQ Mat guards the grill, providing comfort to the self-proclaimed “BBQ Boss” (as noted on the apron). The mat displays a full steer, neatly sectioned into delectable portions—an image that, thankfully, avoids resembling the meat-packing plant. If you’re not standing on this mat while grilling $18/pound steaks, are you really living in a neighborhood with streets named “Trace” and “Crescent”?
West Elm Fish Tail Metal Bell
Tuna tinkle
Fun fact! Even at a discount, this item is a ridiculous splurge.
This aquatic creature feels right at home in eat-in kitchens with granite countertops. While the uninitiated view the stubby fish tail as mere decorative bait, suburban evolution has transformed it into a dinner bell. Tinkle away to summon your family for dinner, even if they’re less than thrilled about the salmon frittata. That’s why a bottle of pinot grigio is your best friend during these meals—to mask feelings of inadequacy.
Anthropologie Tiered Crane Sculpture
Supra expensica
Fun fact! $328!
Nothing screams high-end suburbia like a Tiered Crane Sculpture, creating the illusion that this ceramic bird might drop a gift on your French macarons. Not every bird can find a place in the dining rooms of suburban jungles; it takes the majestic crane to make something look foolish yet expensive. If your host serves rustic treats from anything but a crane, a kidney punch may be warranted. Bonus points for the Anthropologie label, which gives a touch of Brooklyn hipster style while maintaining a perfectly manicured lawn.
Target Threshold Cookie Jar Squirrel
Rodent chocolate chipus
Fun fact! Squirrels are the most likely animals to become roadkill in your neighborhood.
Not every creature in suburbia comes from a catalog; in fact, Target stores are responsible for 90% of the quirky kitchen inhabitants. From fox-shaped salt and pepper shakers to this whimsical cookie jar, Target serves as the Amazon rainforest of suburban sprawl, with new finds emerging daily. Just like your backyard needs its share of bunnies and chipmunks for your designer Labradoodle to bark at, your kitchen needs affordable jars and bowls to complement your pricey designer Labradoodle Serving Platter. After all, you splurged on that ridiculous crane; there’s no way you’re stashing Oreos in a cookie jar that costs $79.99.
In summary, the suburban kitchen is a fascinating habitat filled with quirky, sometimes ironic items that reflect the lifestyle and values of its inhabitants. From whimsical animal-shaped serveware to overpriced decor, these pieces serve as both functional tools and symbols of suburban identity.
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Keyphrase: Suburban kitchen decor
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