Sitting in the carpool lane gives a woman ample time to ponder. It’s a moment to consider dinner plans, whether her beloved yoga pants are still presentable, or when the neighbors will start grumbling about the unkempt lawn encroaching upon their territory. Unfortunately, those quiet moments also allow for darker thoughts, like what would happen if a rogue airplane fell from the sky, leaving my husband to navigate life with our three daughters solo.
I’m confident my husband would manage, albeit with some comical mishaps—our girls would likely turn into the most adorable little linebackers the St. Louis Rams have ever seen. Yet, I can’t shake the worry about the finer details. Who will teach them the nuances of lip liner? Or how to make yoga pants last six days without a wash? And what about household upkeep? Who will remember to swap out the Air Wicks or know which weeds to ignore (hint: all of them)? As they pile into the car, I shudder at the thought of them unaware of just how much I contribute to their daily lives.
It dawns on me that my husband might not fully grasp the extent of my daily contributions. After all, dead crickets don’t magically vanish from the basement, and crockpot meals don’t assemble themselves. To assist him (and perhaps other dads who might find themselves in similar situations), I’ve put together ten requests I hope will be honored if I have an unexpected encounter with my maker. While they may not hold up legally, I trust you all—especially my mother-in-law, who truly understands the intricacies of living with my husband—to see my wishes fulfilled.
Dear Tom,
- Encourage Regular Meals: Make an effort to ensure our children eat three meals a day. Utilize any means necessary—bribery, threats, whatever it takes. Our kids are sneaky; I once found an entire bratwurst stuffed in Ellie’s boot. Our plants have taken on the aroma of au gratin potatoes. Just remember, mustard packets and diet soda don’t count as meals.
- Dental Hygiene is Crucial: Teeth brushing is non-negotiable. Twice a day, with toothpaste. Again, those sneaky little ones will try to cut corners. Check the toothbrush and sniff their breath—our children should not enter college with dentures.
- Regular Baths Required: Aim for baths every other day, soap included. If not, take them to the pool and at least rub some Irish Spring on their backs.
- Hair Brushing: Hair must be tamed. I once returned from a week at my grandparents’ with a rat’s nest in my hair. The rats were grateful to be thrown away for a cleaner residence. Please check for lice and other woodland creatures from time to time.
- Believe Them: When a child indicates they need to use the restroom, take them seriously.
- Toilet Paper 101: When replacing the toilet paper roll, squeeze the ends and pull the spindle toward you.
- Screen Time Limits: Limit TV time. Ideally, they should watch educational programming, although I know your feelings about children’s shows. Just please avoid those ghost hunting shows you enjoy unless you want them sleeping on your floor for the next two decades.
- Naps are Non-Negotiable: Prioritize naps over everything—meetings, doctor’s appointments, even natural disasters. Do your best to get them to “rest their eyes,” even as a tornado rips off the roof. Remember—The Exorcist was inspired by a girl who didn’t get enough sleep.
- Pay the Bills: Keep up with bills. I had a rude awakening about your feelings on bill-paying before we tied the knot—you once referred to utilities as “the man sticking it to us.” Please pay on time to avoid ruining my near-perfect credit or having the electricity shut off, leaving our kids to scavenge in the dark.
- My Final Wishes: I’ve mentioned my desires before, and I truly hope you were joking when you said you’d dump my body in the river. I want a grand slideshow, complete with music, and my initials on little napkins. If you can pull it off, a celebrity guest appearance would be nice—perhaps Jon Hamm could say a few words.
Lastly, I expect you to eventually step out and possibly engage with another woman. Just remember, I’ll be watching. Always. When you hear a noise from the closet, it’s me, lurking and judging. But don’t let that deter you from moving on.
Love,
Me
If this resonated with you, check out our other blog posts, including a guide on at-home insemination kits, to keep the conversation going.
Summary: In this humorous yet heartfelt letter, a wife outlines ten essential requests for her husband to honor should anything happen to her. From ensuring the kids eat regularly to maintaining hygiene and paying the bills, she emphasizes the importance of her role in their lives. Through her light-hearted tone, she shares her wishes for how she’d like to be remembered, reminding readers of the everyday challenges of parenting.
Keyphrase: “requests for husband”
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