As you read this, I might be nursing a shark bite. Why? Because I’m currently vacationing with my family in sunny yet shark-infested Surf City, North Carolina. Just moments ago, my husband returned from the beach with our kids, warning us about an actual shark sighting. Even from the fishing pier, we spotted several folks posing with the miniature, would-be assassins that they’d pulled from the ocean.
Now, I’m not exactly a “numbers person,” but I can certainly read the headlines, and it appears that a number of people have been bitten by sharks along the North Carolina coast in the past month. Other regions may be facing fierce fish threats, but none compare to Surf City, which is practically Shark City at this point.
Currently, Surf City has been the scene of two shark attacks, making it a hotspot for aquatic mayhem. In fact, WikiHow might need to revise its article on “How to Avoid Shark Encounters” to include the tip: “Avoid Surf City, North Carolina, at all costs.”
As a protective parent, my goal is to ensure that we leave this vacation with all of our limbs intact. So, I’ve been diligently following the news and consuming safety tips to prepare ourselves. My mission? To make my kids aware of sharks without scaring them into a state of panic where they can only sob in their swimsuits.
I’m striving to find the right balance between enjoying our time in the sun and avoiding becoming shark snacks. As we play in the waist-deep water (which, it turns out, is a bit risky), I do my best to feign vigilance while I keep a close watch on the vast ocean surrounding us. While my twins think I’m monitoring their mermaid antics, I’m actually scanning the waters and mentally preparing for a shark encounter (which mostly involves screaming and praying).
So far, I haven’t spotted a shark, but I’ve imagined at least 37 of them lurking just beneath the surface. One time, I mistook my own 10-year-old for a shark and nearly swung at her—because, you know, sharks really don’t appreciate being punched in the face. They tend to respond by trying to bite your entire arm off.
It was moments like these—and the time I used my 6-year-old as a shield against a rogue boogie board—that led to some serious self-reflection. This vacation, dubbed “Sharkation,” has revealed a lot about my priorities. Not only have I determined which child I’d save first (the smallest, obviously, since the others are too heavy), but I’ve also come to grips with my reluctance to sacrifice myself for my kids. I mean, I’d like to think I’d step in if necessary, but I’d much rather it be my husband in the water instead. No worries, I’ll make sure he gets to the hospital—our insurance is solid.
But alas, I can’t just change the plans or send my husband off on a solo beach trip, so I’ve armed myself with shark self-defense strategies from the internet. Spoiler alert: we’re doomed.
Internet Shark Wisdom vs. Beach Reality
- Internet Shark Wisdom: A swift hit to a shark’s nose will send it packing.
Beach Reality: While the nose may be sensitive, the odds of a mere human defeating a shark with this approach are about as slim as finding a unicorn. - Internet Shark Wisdom: Avoid urinating in the ocean.
Beach Reality: I’ve informed my children that the ocean is indeed a suitable place for such activities. I refuse to trek back to the beach house just because someone is doing the pee-pee dance. - Internet Shark Wisdom: Steer clear of areas where attacks have occurred.
Beach Reality: I booked this vacation back in January. We’re not exactly affluent enough to choose from luxurious resorts and change our plans on a whim. - Internet Shark Wisdom: Bring a weapon if you intend to swim with sharks.
Beach Reality: The only thing more hazardous than sharks are my children wielding spearguns. Trust me, I’m no sharpshooter. - Internet Shark Wisdom: Understand the type of shark you’re dealing with.
Beach Reality: If I see a fin, I think “shark.” If I see a dolphin, I think “shark.” Even seaweed floating by is perceived as a potential threat. - Internet Shark Wisdom: Sharks love areas where sea turtles nest.
Beach Reality: You mean the sea turtle nests that are every five feet on this beach? The ones we’re working to protect? Great.
What I’m trying to convey is that, despite the real threat of sharks—of which I’m genuinely horrified for the victims—we’re making the most of our time here in Surf City. We’re building sandcastles, indulging in ice cream, and enjoying cocktails because, honestly, who knows what day it is? This summer is precious while we still have our kids all under one roof.
In summary, yes, we’re keeping an eye out for the toothy creatures lurking in the waves, but until we spot one, we’re determined to enjoy this vacation to the fullest. Cool Ranch Doritos, anyone?