It’s been over three decades since my parents separated when I was just 11. Now, as a married parent of three—ages 11, 9, and 7—I’ve learned that relationships can be complicated. Marriage isn’t always easy, and divorce doesn’t come without its challenges either. As I navigate parenthood, I’ve come to understand that children don’t necessarily have a blueprint for what a “perfect” childhood looks like. My kids aren’t measuring their experiences against an idealized version of family life that may never have existed.
When my parents decided to take a break from their marriage, I didn’t perceive our home as “broken”—that term belonged to adults. In reality, children adapt to change. We may feel pain and have questions, but the tendency to dwell on the past is often more of an adult concern. When my dad moved out, he had his own place, while we stayed in the family home. It wasn’t broken; it was simply different.
1. Misbehavior Gets Labeled as Divorce-Related
The first realization I had in the aftermath of my parents’ split was that any bad behavior I exhibited was often attributed to the divorce.
“Oh, Taylor is acting out again. It must be because of the separation.”
Not really! I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic, and that was just me being my authentic self.
2. Guilt Runs Deep
Next on my list of lessons learned was the guilt that comes with divorce. While all parents experience guilt, those going through a breakup seem to amplify it. It’s a uniquely adult phenomenon, characterized by obsessing over past decisions, believing that perhaps overcompensating can erase the consequences of those choices. My sister and I enjoyed a temporary indulgence of “guilt gifts”—from pizza to amusement park rides—until we simply grew weary of it. Kids can’t keep up with guilt the way adults often can.
3. Family is What You Make of It
Another important lesson was that no matter how you label your parents—Mom and Dad, or perhaps Steve and Linda—your family is your family, quirks and all. We had our own set of evolving traditions, mixing and sometimes clashing. There were extra birthday cards, empty chairs, and the occasional awkward celebration.
I often pondered what life might have been like had my parents stayed together, but I equally reflected on the opportunities that arose precisely because they didn’t.
4. Love is Not Defined by Last Names
Finally, I learned that self-worth and love are not determined by who shares your last name or lives under the same roof. The essence of family lies in our connections and the moments we share, free from guilt or the need to maintain appearances. My stepdad and I didn’t quite hit it off initially, missing that “dad” connection. He came into my life later and was often too cautious in his approach. However, we developed a unique understanding and even created “breakfast talks,” where we would discuss my future over meals in public. I cried every time, but ultimately found my way.
Kids are quite intuitive; one year they may crave homemade treats, and the next, they want brightly packaged cupcakes. Growing up is a journey of discovery, and while they experience emotions deeply, they often lack the burdens of guilt that adults carry.
When my youngest broke her leg, it took mere moments for her to accept it matter-of-factly. My partner adapted our tree fort to accommodate her cast, and she simply moved on, ensuring her older sister could keep up.
I can’t magically erase the pain of divorce, but I do strive to soften its impact. In the end, we all emerge stronger.
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