On the morning of my 39th birthday, I found myself focusing on two specific aspects of my life: my hair and my breasts. Sure, there were other sources of gratitude—like the way Max snuggled into my hair at the crack of dawn or how he and his brother, Jake, orchestrated a sweet surprise with breakfast, cake, and presents. But my hair and breasts were at the forefront of my mind this year.
In the days leading up to my birthday, I had learned that a friend had to shave her head due to illness, while another faced the potential loss of her breasts. It’s a strange feeling to be grateful for something that others are losing. It feels selfish, almost as if I’m saying, “I’m glad it’s not me.” This isn’t the sentiment I aspire to embrace. Instead of feeling thankful, I grapple with a sense of caution and unease. Yes, I have my hair and my body intact—for now—but I can’t shake the notion that life can change in an instant. If it’s not cancer, it could be a job loss or a crisis involving my kids. There’s always something lurking.
At 39, I still find many aspects of life perplexing. I struggle with eyeliner, I don’t understand why guys don’t follow through on their promises, and I often feel like I’m faking my way through marriage and parenting. Love, like cake recipes, continues to baffle me. I had hoped to find more clarity and wisdom by this age, but it seems the only certainty is the unpredictability of life. Events can shift dramatically—whether it’s a routine doctor’s visit revealing troubling news or a stranger’s misfortune affecting my day. The randomness of existence can be overwhelming.
This uncertainty weighs heavily, particularly when it affects those I care about. However, it also reinforces the connection we share as a community. Over time, we build our own tribes—some close, some distant. In this modern world, I’ve found it incredible how I can witness the joys and heartaches of friends from afar. Years ago, before the digital age, I wouldn’t have known about the struggles my friends faced, from health challenges to broken relationships. But now, their stories are intertwined with mine, and I can’t ignore them. It’s a mix of empathy and helplessness as I scroll through updates, feeling the weight of their battles.
As I reflected on my hair and breasts that morning, I also realized how little we can truly ask from the universe. All we really want is to stay whole, healthy, and close to those we love. Everything else—career ambitions, financial aspirations—feels secondary. So, here I am at 39, still learning, still growing, yet clinging to the simple gifts of my body and the love surrounding me.
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In summary, as I embrace being 39, I acknowledge the uncertainties of life, the connections I cherish, and the simple joys that keep me grounded.
Keyphrase: Gratitude at 39
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