Dear Kids,
Welcome to the glorious season of summer! I just want to give you a little reminder that this is your time to shine—so feel free to leave your belongings wherever your heart desires. A half-finished smoothie on the coffee table? Totally fine! Socks scattered in the hallway? No biggie! Don’t even think about washing those dishes; the sink is your new home for them. And Legos? The more, the merrier! Oh, and those blankets? Drag them around the house and leave them where they fall. I’ll gladly pick them up and return them to your rooms because that’s just how much I love you.
As for doors, they can stay wide open. Who needs to keep the air conditioning in when we can invite the outside in? I mean, isn’t a little insect company a small price to pay for an open-door policy? We can just pretend we have endless funds to pay for all that extra cooling!
And please, do not let wet swimsuits and towels cramp your style. Toss them on the floor, on the banister—anywhere works for me! Creativity is key, and I’ll make sure to pick them up before the wood warps. You’re busy enjoying your Netflix, so don’t let that mess get in your way. I mean, who can resist binge-watching Friends?
Whenever hunger strikes, don’t worry about regular meal times! The kitchen is always open, and I am more than happy to whip something up for you at any hour. I majored in short order cooking, after all. And if you decide to make something yourself, just leave everything where you used it! Milk, cheese, you name it—if it goes bad, I’ll just restock. What’s a little extra spending, anyway?
Speaking of drinks, every time you’re thirsty, grab a new glass. We have plenty, and I actually enjoy loading and unloading the dishwasher. It’s like a little game we play together.
When it comes to your social life, count me in! Need a ride? I’m your designated chauffeur! No need to give me a heads-up; I can drop whatever I’m doing to help you out because your plans matter. And if you need cash for the movies? Just ask, and I’ll be your ATM!
Now, my little one, when it’s pool time, I’ll be right there to slather on the sunscreen. Don’t be shy about sharing how you feel about it being cold. Your squirming makes for an excellent workout for me. As for those goggles? Don’t stress—I’ll keep track of them like a hawk. They’re my summer project, after all.
And before I wrap this up, a few last reminders: Eye rolls are welcomed! I adore getting immediate feedback. Showering? Optional! And chores? Just let me know when it’s a good time for you. Remember, the weeds aren’t going anywhere.
Lastly, please wear your headphones so that you can’t hear me talking to you. Nothing like yelling into the void—it’s oddly satisfying.
If you embrace all of this, I have a feeling this summer is going to be amazing for all of us. But if irony isn’t your thing, you might not last until July.
Love you all dearly,
Your Favorite Parent
P.S. If you’re curious about home insemination, check out this excellent resource on artificial insemination or explore more about it on our blog.
Keyphrase: summer parenting chaos
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]