Recently, while visiting a friend in Houston, Texas, I found myself at a lively birthday party for two sisters, ages 3 and 5, who were classmates of my friend’s children. Walking into a church with a basketball court, bowling alley, and an abundance of play structures was a revelation that left my suburban New Jersey mind a bit bewildered.
As I munched on chicken nuggets and watched the children energetically navigate their birthday cake-fueled excitement, I couldn’t help but think about my future. But then, during a quick trip to the restroom, I discovered that my period had arrived two days early.
Surrounded by the joyful chaos of children, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. Just a month prior, my period had come four days late, and for a moment, I dared to hope that perhaps, at 39, I was on the verge of motherhood. Clearly, that wasn’t the case, and my reliable cycle had decided to play tricks on me. The competitive spirit over foosball and the adorable outfits suddenly felt less amusing.
I have to admit, I despise the term “having it all,” but in that moment, it struck me how unfulfilled I felt having only part of it. I’m in a loving, committed relationship with a wonderful man who treats me better than I often believe I deserve. I’ve edited over 50 anthologies in my chosen genre of erotica, penned two sex columns, and even had an article featured in The New York Times, a publication I’ve cherished since my teenage years. I started teaching an online writing class last year that exceeded my expectations, selling out at a price I never thought I would be able to charge. When friends ask about my dream career, I proudly say it’s the one I currently have. Yet, despite all my achievements, I often feel a void. If a genie appeared and offered to swap my career for a healthy newborn, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
I first began to realize my desire for motherhood at 30. I felt I had all the time in the world—at least that’s what I told myself. I was immersed in my career as an adult magazine editor while juggling trivia nights and comedy shows. A five-week plan? I didn’t even have a five-year plan. Now, I find myself tracking my life around my menstrual cycle, feeling despondent when it arrives and hopeful when it doesn’t. Approaching 40, I can’t shake the looming notion that I might be running out of time, even though I know many friends who have successfully given birth at 41 or 42. My gynecologist advised me to consider having my first child before I turn 40; I may miss that mark, but it’s not just the age that troubles me.
Hitting 40 in November signifies a transition into a new life phase, where it seems many women I know have already become mothers. It feels like I’m lagging behind, reminiscent of my high school days when I was one of the last to reach certain milestones. Although my career and relationship are flourishing after years of struggle, I still grapple with what I lack—a child to play games with or dress up in cute outfits. I don’t have a son or daughter to plan birthday celebrations for or decorate cakes with. Living with the most supportive partner is a blessing, and his selflessness continually astounds me. Just last year, he humorously took on the role of “butt nurse” when I had an abscess in a rather sensitive area.
Despite my gratitude for these experiences, I often wake up feeling an emptiness that complicates my daily life. It’s hard to ignore the sight of children walking to school or the little ones pulling oversized suitcases while I travel for work. I constantly wrestle with how to plan for a future family when I’m not entirely convinced it will happen. Should I savor a glass of champagne or opt for seltzer? Is splurging on a $100 bra too extravagant? Should I visit a friend in Bangkok this summer or save money for a rainy day? What would a good mom do?
Yet this cycle of questioning can ensnare me. It assumes that mothers always make the right choices, which I know from observing my family and friends is far from the truth. Parents are just as flawed as anyone else. I hope to join their ranks sooner rather than later, but until then, my otherwise fulfilling life remains incomplete.
For those exploring paths to motherhood, resources like this home insemination kit might be of interest, as well as fertility supplements that could help. Additionally, Women’s Health offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, while I find fulfillment in my career and relationship, the yearning for motherhood weighs heavily on my heart. As I approach a significant birthday, I reflect on the life I’ve built and the dreams I still hold close, hoping to bridge the gap between my current reality and the family I envision.
Keyphrase: Trade Career for Motherhood
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