From the age of 9, I was caught in a cycle of unfortunate hair decisions. My mother, frustrated with my fine, tangled hair, thought a home perm would be the magical fix. So, I ended up looking like a walking Chia Pet from the 1980s. I endured the pain of tightly wound pink rollers, the stench of harsh chemicals, and the inevitable disappointment when I gazed into the mirror post-treatment, thinking, “Well, this is just how it is.”
The underlying message, which I know my mother never intended, was that something about my natural self was flawed. I absorbed this idea without question, leading me to damage my hair further with perms well into adulthood. The 80s were a time when bigger was indeed better—not just hairstyles but also shoulder pads and boomboxes. I saw many girls rocking hairstyles that defied gravity, but I felt compelled to continue my pursuit of curls, convinced that my natural hair was unacceptable.
As a mother now, I strive to avoid sending similar unspoken critiques to my daughters. It’s not easy; we often slip into veiled comments without realizing their impact. It’s crucial to pause and consider how our words might be interpreted before we share our unsolicited opinions.
Examples of Miscommunication
What I said: “Are you certain about wearing the green plaid shorts with that pink-and-black striped shirt? Maybe rethink that?” [Bites lip.] “Okay, if you insist.”
What my daughter heard: “You think my outfit is hideous, and I’m too immature to choose my own clothes.”
What I said: “Oh, that side ponytail looks… a bit messy.”
What my daughter heard: “You think my hairstyle is silly.”
What I said: “I can see your back in those jeans.”
What my daughter heard: “You think I’m too large for my pants.”
What I said: “Have you washed your hair recently? Just curious.”
What my daughter heard: “Criticism, criticism, criticism.”
What I said: “Your friend wears her cutoffs a little high on the leg.”
What my daughter heard: “You think my friend is inappropriate, maybe even promiscuous.”
What I said: “If you saved your allowance like your sister does instead of buying junk, you could afford a cool new Lego set.”
What my daughter heard: “You think my sister is superior. Maybe you love her more.”
These examples highlight my tendency to weigh in on my daughters’ fashion choices, friends, and habits. While guidance is vital in parenting, there’s a thin line between offering advice and expressing critical skepticism. Our children often take our assessments to heart, even when they respond with sass.
As I detangle my youngest daughter’s fine, always-tangled hair after her nightly shower, I suppress the urge to exclaim, “Let’s just chop it all off!” While I may not appreciate her tangles, they are hers, and that’s perfectly fine. At the core of who my daughters are, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
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Summary
This article discusses the often unintentional messages parents communicate to their children and the ways those messages can be misinterpreted. The author reflects on personal experiences with her mother and her own parenting journey, emphasizing the importance of thoughtful communication to foster self-acceptance in children.
Keyphrase: parenting communication
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