I’ve been married for almost 12 years, and during this time, my husband and I have built a life together—we bought a house, a car, adopted a rabbit, and welcomed three wonderful children into the world. We’ve shared laughter, faced challenges, and experienced a range of emotions. Yet, here I am, contemplating divorce.
The truth is, admitting this feels daunting. My husband is genuinely a good person. He has a respected job and is often praised by others; friends and family frequently tell me how lucky I am to be with him. My mother even boasts about my “good man” with a “heart of gold.” So, how can I possibly voice my desire to end our marriage when everything seems fine on the surface?
We don’t argue, he’s not abusive, and I haven’t found someone else—nor do I wish to. The problem lies in our connection, which seems to have faded. Since our youngest child started school, I’ve struggled to find employment, and that has severely impacted my self-worth. I feel valued only by my children, while I can’t recall the last compliment my husband gave me. It’s as if he has stopped trying and taken me for granted. We haven’t been intimate in over a year, and at 35, I can’t imagine living without that aspect of a relationship for the rest of my life.
I hesitate to share these feelings, fearing I’ll be judged as superficial or as someone who only seeks physical affection. Yet, it’s more than just the act—it’s about wanting to feel desired and appreciated. I long for spontaneous affection, the kind that reminds me I am cherished. Instead, our relationship feels more like that of siblings than partners, and who truly wants to be married to a sibling?
Financial strain complicates matters further. While we manage to cover bills and provide for our children—one of whom has a disability—we’re stuck in a cycle of just getting by. I want to give my kids the experiences they deserve, like music lessons or family vacations, without the constant worry of finances. I’ve implored my husband to seek a better-paying job, but he insists that I should also find work. The job market for part-time positions that fit my schedule is overwhelming, and I feel lost after countless applications and rejections.
Deep down, I aspire for a life that is vibrant and fulfilling. I don’t want to be the “miserable mom”; I want my children to have joyful childhoods. I’m not asking for extravagant gifts, just the ability to afford simple pleasures like summer camps. While we’ve achieved many of our initial dreams, we no longer align in our aspirations.
It’s almost impossible to express these feelings without fear of being labeled. I worry that I’ll be seen as selfish or cruel, with my husband cast as the victim. Society often vilifies women who initiate divorce, expecting justification through infidelity or abuse. What would people say about me leaving a seemingly perfect husband?
I find it disheartening that I’ve resigned myself to this situation. I despise that I lack the courage to break free and that I’m cultivating resentment toward a fundamentally good man. The other day, my daughter faced unkindness, and I told her to stand tall and walk away from negativity. If only I could take my own advice.
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In summary, I’m grappling with the realization that my marriage, while stable, may not be fulfilling, and the fear of societal judgment is holding me back from pursuing a more authentic life.
Keyphrase: Divorce contemplation
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