Dear Creator of Stick Figure Family Car Decals,
At any stoplight, I find myself privy to the life story of the driver ahead of me. I learn that the genius in front of me vacations in the Hamptons, adores her fluffy Maltese, has a child who excels academically at Maple Leaf Academy, and—just to add a cherry on top—she’s married to a Yale graduate. Lucky her, indeed!
Thanks to your rather ridiculous invention, I now have the pleasure of knowing her name is Tiffany, her husband’s name is Brad III, their son’s name is Brad IV, and the dog goes by Bella. Tiffany loves baking, Brad IV plays hockey, and Brad III, it seems, can’t resist toting his briefcase everywhere. Oh, and would you look at that—there’s another kid on the way, and it’s a girl!
Please, I implore you to cease this cluttering of our roadways with these absurd stickers. We all know exactly what I’m referring to, so rather than delving into the finer points of sticker placement (you know, bottom left of the rear window), let’s just call a halt to this childish nonsense. It has persisted for far too long, and it’s about time we stop taking advantage of exhausted parents who have clearly lost their grip on sound judgment.
It’s simply foolish and arguably dangerous. Yes, I said dangerous. This intimate knowledge is a gift to anyone with malicious intent. “Hello, stranger in the car behind me! My name is Rachel, and I’m a single mom who enjoys sipping wine while my daughter, Lily, plays with her toys. Follow me home and cause us harm—you won’t have to worry about our pet because, as you can see, we only own a hamster named Peanut!”
This is seriously reckless! But I understand, there’s a lot of clutter out there, and you found your niche. You’ve cornered the market for mom-mobiles—kudos! I hope you’ve profited handsomely from this invention while sipping cocktails on a beach somewhere, because it would frustrate me even more to learn this is merely a hobby while all proceeds go to a cat shelter in Montana.
A car should signify adulthood. After tying the knot and welcoming a brood of kids, the last thing anyone wants is to surrender to a minivan. Don’t you think that’s humiliating enough? Do you really believe women want to be defined by their ability to reproduce, or lack thereof, through stick figures? We already know what’s inside: a frazzled driver in yoga pants who hasn’t showered in days. Picture multiple car seats, empty snack containers, and squished French fries scattered on the floor, with some animated film blaring in the background. It’s a chaotic mobile disaster. Why on Earth would anyone feel the need to showcase it?
On the topic of clutter, I’m curious if you are associated with items like Truck Nutz or Car Lashes. The minds behind those ridiculous ideas seem to share your sense of humor! Lastly, I’m dying to know whether you’re a man or a woman. If you’re a man, is this some kind of inside joke? If you’re a woman, have you lost your senses?
So, whoever you may be, I just wanted to express that while I might envy your financial success, I absolutely detest your creation. You have done a disservice to our culture; you rank right up there with unlimited soda refills and jeggings.
Take your Stick Figures and stick ’em where they belong.
Sincerely,
Megan Carter
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In summary, while stick figure family decals have infiltrated our roads and serve as an odd form of self-expression, they ultimately contribute to a culture of oversharing that many find unnecessary and even dangerous. Let’s hope for a day when our vehicles can simply be cars again, rather than rolling billboards of our family lives.
Keyphrase: Stick Figure Family Car Decals
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