By: Jamie Thompson
Updated: August 20, 2015 | Originally Published: May 28, 2015
Welcome to the elite squad of chaos and exasperation known as toddlerhood! As you brace yourself for the year ahead, prepare for delayed bedtimes, cookie raids from forbidden counters, and perhaps the sight of your parents contemplating their life choices in dimly lit closets. Instead of going on endlessly about all the potential mischief, let’s cut to the chase and focus on what you should never, ever do. Good luck navigating this wild terrain!
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Ignoring Authority
If your caregivers haven’t taken you for a hearing test at least once during your second year, they must be doing something wrong. Respond to no one. Don’t even glance their way. Make them come to you. If you start answering to your own name, they might foolishly expect you to listen to them, too. -
Mess Madness
Mom has made the monumental mistake of letting you wield crayons. She had the audacity to take a call on spaghetti night. Her purse is within reach, and now nothing stands between you and that enticing mascara. You have a sacred duty to create chaos. Walls, floors, furniture, and yourself are all fair game. Mr. Clean and a battalion of magic erasers will tremble in your presence. -
Soundtrack of Chaos
Look around! The world is a symphony of percussion! Bang on pots and pans, and crank the volume during those catchy car dealership commercials. And don’t forget to unleash those powerful lungs you honed in the womb. Your vocabulary may be limited, but a piercing scream is universally understood. -
Defying Logic
Should someone dare to reason with you, let them truly grasp the error of their ways. It could be freezing outside, everyone is rushing, and you steadfastly refuse to wear a coat. Your mom’s “Honey, it’s cold outside” plea? Useless. You might just opt for only a diaper and snow boots. Let her reflect on her poor choices in peace. -
Dinner Rebellion
Mom has slaved over a hot stove for your nourishment? Not a chance! Extra points if you request something specific only to refuse it later. Adjust your tantrum to match the effort your parents put into the meal you’re definitely not consuming. Leftover pizza? Send it flying across the table while maintaining unbroken eye contact. Grilled cheese with the crusts cut off? Feed it to the dog and then wail about it. Gourmet meatballs? Stuff them into your mom’s shoes, set them ablaze, and then drench the flames with your own disdain. -
Possessiveness
That toy car? “Mine.” That cookie? “Mine.” Dad’s iPhone? “Mine.” The remote? “Mine.” The deed to the house? “Mine.” Everyone around you must obey the sacred laws of Yours. Take no prisoners, leave no spoils. Everything within your reach belongs to you, and they best remember it. -
Ultimate Defiance
As a toddler, your mission is simple: exist, grow, and wreak havoc. If an unfortunate soul tries to discipline you or places you in timeout, make them regret the day they were born. Scream, kick, throw things, and never concede. You have all the time in the world; after all, you’re only two. Show your parents that messing with you will only end in chaos, tears, and maybe some poop on the walls.
This article originally appeared on May 28, 2015.
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Summary:
This playful guide highlights the chaotic and mischievous behaviors typical of toddlers, encouraging parents to embrace the delightful destruction that comes with this stage of childhood.
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