Parenting
By Jamie Rivers
Updated: April 22, 2021
Originally Published: May 19, 2015
During my first trimester, I lost seven pounds because my stomach could only tolerate waffles, cereal, Pop-Tarts, and toaster pastries. I had no idea that pregnancy could leave a woman feeling so ill for weeks. As I curled up on the couch, I questioned whether my baby was okay, feeling as though a heavy machine had rolled over me.
Doctors estimated my son would weigh nine pounds at birth, fearing he might be too large for my frame. Given my advanced maternal age, they required weekly sonograms. This was a relief; it helped ease my anxiety about whether the cord was wrapped around his neck, if he was breech, or if his tiny heart was beating steadily.
When he arrived, he weighed exactly eight pounds and measured 20 inches long. Holding his head gently in my arms, he felt as light as a bean bag. I awkwardly learned to change his diaper, swaddle him, and nurse him, often feeling that by the end of a long day, that eight pounds felt more like twenty. As the weeks passed, my arms grew stronger, as did my confidence as a mother.
At my lowest point of postpartum anxiety, I found myself twelve pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight. Dealing with jittery nerves made it hard to even think about feeding myself. I didn’t realize fitting into my jeans so soon after giving birth was unusual, but those twelve pounds mirrored the worry and stress I carried in my body while my son reached the twelve-pound milestone.
Today, my five-year-old son weighs forty-four pounds—a bundle of love, intelligence, and curiosity. This morning, he raised his arms, signaling that he wanted to be picked up. I noticed how much longer and closer he seemed, like I was viewing him through a magnifying glass. I bent my knees and hoisted him up, feeling the effort it took.
I could have easily said, “No, you’re a big boy now. You have to walk. I have enough to carry.” But I didn’t. I balanced my other responsibilities and made room for him too. Breathe in the scent of his little boy sweat mixed with soap; I hold him tight, knowing I won’t have this privilege forever. I’m not ready to say goodbye to his little-boy years, even while I recognize how much I want him to grow. It’s through his growth that I learn to be a better mother.
Lately, he has been asking for more piggyback rides, and I always say yes. As long as I can lift him, I will. He feels heavier, but I’ve earned this weight over five years of lifting him. My arm muscles come not from sporadic gym sessions, but from years of holding this gradually heavier child.
I cherish these fleeting moments and try to memorize his changing face. I touch the baby-soft skin of his arms, imprinting the memory before it’s too late. I hold his hand whenever I can, teaching him how to cross the street safely. I scoop him into my arms when he leaps from any surface, confident that I’ll always catch him.
I let him tackle me, kiss my boo-boos, and mess up my hair. I don’t mind when he leans against me while we watch cartoons on a hot afternoon. I know these moments will soon pass when he no longer wants that closeness.
The thought that haunts me is, “One day, you’ll put him down and won’t ever pick him up again,” as he will outgrow it—and me.
So, I bend my knees and hold him close for as long as I can.
This article was originally published on May 19, 2015.
If you’re interested in learning more about pregnancy or need support on your fertility journey, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and explore our blog post on artificial insemination kits to assist you on your path to parenthood. For couples navigating their journey, this guide on couples’ fertility can offer valuable insights.
Summary
Motherhood is a journey filled with emotional and physical weights that evolve over time. From the early days of pregnancy to the challenges of postpartum anxiety, every experience shapes a mother’s strength. As children grow, so does the burden of knowing that these cherished moments are fleeting. Embracing each stage, mothers learn to carry both their children’s weight and their own, finding joy in the closeness that time will eventually change.
Keyphrase: The True Burdens a Mother Bears
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]