I’m approaching my 32nd birthday, and I’ve never once set foot in a spa. Manicures? Pedicures? Nope. I’ve yet to experience the bliss of a massage, and my eyebrows look like two confused caterpillars in a tangled dance.
Why haven’t I indulged? A mix of reasons: I often feel I don’t need these things, I genuinely don’t, and let’s face it, the whole idea terrifies me. Will it hurt? Is pain part of the deal? What’s the maintenance routine? Will the massage therapist judge my cellulite? And what’s the right shade of nail polish for my toes?
Still, I concluded that it’s less about necessity and more about treating myself. As a mom, I desperately need a little self-care. Sure, I could justify eating nachos for dinner every night for a week, but let’s just say my jeans disagree.
So, I took the plunge and purchased a face mask.
It promised to relieve my stress, and I was all in—even if rat droppings were an ingredient, I’d smear it on my face like mayo on a sandwich.
Here are 55 thoughts that crossed my mind throughout the experience, because as a mom, I document everything:
- How much should I apply?
- That was too little; I need more.
- Can I use it on my eyebrows?
- Well, it’s on them now.
- And it’s in my hair.
- Why am I putting this on my neck? Is there something wrong with it?
- Did I miss a spot? Is it bad if it’s not all on for the same duration? Will my pores stay gigantic?
- Done! Now, to wash my hands…
- I look like a seasick Smurf.
- Is it doing anything?
- I can’t tell if it’s working. Should something happen?
- Okay, relax. This is for me. Just breathe.
- How long has it been?
- Did the kids wake up?
- What if there’s an emergency, and I can’t wash this off? Will I be a Smurf forever?
- Kids are asleep. Just breathe.
- I’m bored.
- Is anything happening?
- Should I be doing something? Maybe shave my legs?
- No, just sit and relax. Reflect on life.
- Or look at my phone.
- Nothing’s happening on social media.
- Maybe I should delete these apps and live in the moment.
- Oh, my skin tingles. Is that normal?
- My face feels cold. Is the window open?
- It feels chilly. Is the mask working, or am I losing it?
- What’s actually happening? What’s seeping into my pores? What did I do to myself?
- The coolness feels kinda nice.
- I wonder if my husband wants to see me like this.
- Either he was joking, or he has a thing for Smurfs. I’ll go with the former.
- Is it dry yet?
- Lalalala…
- Oh! I bought a magazine. Time to flip through it.
- Who are these people? I don’t know anything!
- That’s it! I need a subscription to learn about these folks.
- Can I write off that subscription for taxes?
- Can I write off the mask too?
- Oh, my skin feels tighter. Is it drying?
- Is this what an eye lift feels like?
- Yep, definitely tighter. I hope there aren’t tiny aliens tightening my skin for research.
- If there are aliens, they better pay me for this.
- Okay, it’s dry everywhere but my neck. Should I let that dry too?
- Who cares about my neck? Time to wash this off.
- Why are the only clean washcloths white?
- If this stains, I’ll…do nothing about it.
- Rinse, rinse, rinse. Did I get it all?
- Missed a spot.
- Pat my face dry lightly…
- I don’t know if anything has changed. I couldn’t see my pores before, so how will I know?
- Oh, my skin is so soft…that feels nice.
- Stop touching your face, oils are bad or something.
- Am I still stressed?
- Nope, I feel relaxed! I did something for myself. Go me!
- Wait…no, I’m still stressed. But at least my skin is soft.
- STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE.
In summary, while I might not have a spa day under my belt, I survived my first face mask experience. It wasn’t the therapy I expected, but I definitely learned that self-care, even in small doses, can make a difference.
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Keyphrase: My First Face Mask
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]